Tag Archives: Grooming

My Wife Should Know I’d Write About This

13 Oct

I might change the design around here; things are looking a bit stale to me, and I can’t stand that pink border WordPress insists on wrapping around my photos. I’d like to wrap it around their heads.


Anyway, this is too funny not to write about. This is the stuff I wash my face with at night. I recently used up the last bit in a bottle (well, as you know, the very last bit is impossible to reach without sawing the bottle in half) and filled it with water, shook it up, poured it out and filled it again to clean it to recycle. I set it aside out of the way and forgot about it. Amazon sent a new bottle, which and I placed in its usual spot in the cabinet. Here are the bottles, on the left with water.


Jennifer, my wife, who normally uses her own facial cleaner recently began to use mine. One night last week she asked me something like “Why are there two bottle of that stuff?”

“That one’s just water.” I pointed at the old one.

Heh. This is hilarious. For several nights in a row, she’d been washing her face with the one filled with water. Notice on the bottle it says “Clinically shown gentle as water.” I guess that’s why she kept trying. She was rubbing like hell in her wash cloth wondering why it wasn’t lathering even just a little.

Needless to say, I laughed my ass off that night and showed her the obvious difference in color and consistency.

Whew, that was fun to write. I’ll hear about this later when she reads it. I’m sure she’s done some other dumb stuff lately, but I can’t think of anything. Of course, I do dumb stuff all the time, but it’s not as funny, and I’m holding the “pen.”

* * *

 It’s getting colder every day. Some observations and predictions.

  • Ice cream will be less fun to eat.
  • Riding my bike will begin to suck.
  • I’ve almost completely stopped saying, “I’m sweating my balls off!”
  • More often, I’ll be saying “I’m freezing my balls off!”
  • Soon I’m going to say “Where’d I put my damn gloves?”
  • Getting the girls to walk the dogs will be five times more difficult than it already is.
  • Once I find the gloves, on a dog walk, I’ll spend too much time trying to open those maddening poop bags, while the dogs wrap themselves around my legs. Then I’ll get all pissy and tell Jennifer we’re getting rid of the dogs. And cats.
  • Our puppy, who will be experiencing her first winter, will be like “What the hell?”

Titivating My Life Away

23 Jan

Woman spend 2.5 years of their life titivating. Yeah, I learned a new work today. To titivate, one is making small, enhancing alterations to oneself. Preening.

I detest titivating; it’s a waste of time. But that’s just me. In the morning, I can go from sleep to ready in under 60 seconds if called upon. I find that level of speed & skill unnecessary in most cases. This morning I woke up with this topic in my head, knowing I needed to write about it, and felt a twinge of excitement knowing that I could be up and out the door in ten minutes. And that’s what I did. I’m in one of my offices–Starbucks–right now. My coffee is still hot and I’m happy.

When we want to do “family” stuff (like…together) it’s a whole other ball of twine. The kids are young enough that that their minds haven’t been hijacked by our dreadful culture that will soon teach them to conform, to teach them that they need to slather toxic sludge (makeup) onto their face to “fit in.” Our culture will tell them that they’re ugly and that they need this stuff. Thank you Estee Lauder! And yes, I know I didn’t put that little mark above the first “e” in Estee. I don’t care.

If the kids and I want to jump from bed and do something spontaneous we can be ready in 15 minutes. They don’t care what kind of clothes they put on–leopard-print pants go with anything. They’re perfectly willing to leave the house in whatever they slept in (they rarely wear typical, obvious pajamas, Ainsley’s only requirement for sleep: “soft” pants) and I’m equally willing to let them. That’s freedom. They don’t care about what others will think. They know they’re beautiful as they are, with screwy hair and bits of blueberry all around their mouths (I picked blueberry randomly, they proudly wear hundreds of different food items around their lips). So what if a stranger notices mismatched socks. It’s meaningless. I wish I could save them from what lies ahead.

This is my morning, getting ready, the detailed version.

Like I said, I was lying in bed with these very sentences floating around in my head. I needed to get them out, but I need privacy and coffee, so I got up, greeted the pets with quick pats on their heads. I stepped in front of the full-length mirror on the outside of the bathroom door, rubbed my face, scruffed my hair and thought I need to shave…some day. Then I peed and washed my hands (I said detailed didn’t I?). I walked back into the bedroom, into the closet and spotted the clothes I had worn yesterday. They were right there! No need to open a drawer or pull something off a hanger. I scanned my brain to compare where I’ll be today with where I was yesterday. Can I wear the same clothes? Sure! I’m just going to Starbucks. I had slept in thermal bottoms, shorts, a t-shirt and an ugly orange sweatshirt. I jumped out of the shorts and slipped into my favorite brown pants, stepped into my favorite shoes (no laces=time savings, woo!), tore the sweatshirt off and buttoned my favorite blue and white shirt over the t-shirt I had slept in. The events in this paragraph took 120 seconds.

Downstairs, I walked to the couch and said “Chloooooe, good moooorning!” and kissed her on the forehead. Breakfast can be a problem because I’m so health-conscious. Fresh vegetable/fruit juice takes mega-time; smoothies are faster, but still no good for me this morning. I walked to the kitchen, grabbed two bananas, walked back into the living room, and sat down next to Chloe. I busted out some early morning humor by squishing half a banana into my mouth and chewing it like maybe a gorilla would. She smiled and gave me the you’re weird look. After devouring both bananas, I loaded my backpack with a laptop, phone, thesaurus, notebook, coffee mug, and a little plastic bowl of prunes and brazil nuts. I put on my gloves, warm hat, and trusty, zipped, grey hoodie.

That’s it. I took my time and still went from horizontal to gone in 10 minutes. It feels good even to write about it.

I only mentioned Chloe in this narrative because Jennifer was down the street teaching her yoga class and Ainsley was asleep on the couch.

But when you throw Jennifer into the middle of trying to get out of the house and into the world spontaneously, everything changes. Alas, she’s like most 21st century American woman. Obviously, “changing her” is not on my list of priorities. I read that it’s a fool’s game to try to change other people. I’m sure she would love to change me into a man who would never wear yesterday’s clothes, today…and tomorrow.



My Life Lacks Meaning (And Hydrated Skin)

1 Dec

Wow, where have I been?

Well, forget about where I’ve been. Right now I’m sitting here in the basement with the hood of my hoodie up snug over my ears (basements blow in the winter) sipping a blended salad (don’t worry, I haven’t gone all “normal” since I last posted). This beast is a mix of green leaf lettuce, grapefruit juice, ice, raspberries, one medjool date, stevia, spirulina, cinnamon, water, and pineapple. No salad dressing if you were wondering. I can call it a salad because it’s mostly lettuce. It’s a beautiful forest green in color.

One reason I stopped writing is I caught a nasty case of “I suck.” I would type a  sentence and then I would delete it and think to myself: I suck. Then I would type a sentence, read it five times, shuffle a few words around, delete it, and then say out loud: I suck. After sucking for awhile you should be able to see why I would just stop trying.

So instead of writing I’ve been reading about nutrition and philosophy, mainly. I’m trying to figure out the meaning of life, not something one can figure out in a month, so, yeah, I’m still working on that.

I’m having what some call an existential crisis. Some go through this once in their life; it seems I push through 4 per year, this being my 31st (I’m throwing a big party when I hit my 100th existential crisis).

Let’s see what else has been going on:

  • I fell down the steps
  • I fell trying to run UP the steps
  • I’ve been eating mostly raw, vegan foods for the past two weeks
  • I lost five pounds
  • I’m exercising regularly again
  • I backed into a bush
  • I’m now shaving (my face) regularly for the first time in…I have never shaved regularly
  • I’ve decided that three showers a week are better than one, but five is too many.
  • Following the advice of my dermatologist, I’m trying to get in the habit of moisturizing my body from head to toe…every day.

This is what I look like now since I took up grooming.

Slathering myself with lotion completely sucks in the winter and it’s in the winter when I need it the most. If I could turn the oven on “warm” and get in it without killing myself, I would do this damn moisturizing routine in there. Brrrr! Is there some kind of lotion warming trick? Can I simmer some Jergens in a sauce pan? Anything?

I suck.