I Grew up with a Door Hole and Lived to Tell About It

4 Mar


In the early ’80s I remember lying on my bedroom floor simulating epic battles between my Star Wars action figures. Luke Skywalker was the ultimate warrior; he didn’t need a light saber to beat the heck out of Darth Vader. I loved my bedroom because all my stuff was in there, and because I could close the door to the world, inviting sweet privacy.

Of course, I couldn’t lock–or even latch!–my door; I didn’t have a door knob. Instead, I grew up with a door hole, which partly explains why I’m such a damaged adult. But I thought it was normal. For years I assumed it was illegal for kids’ bedrooms to have door knobs.


Eventually I figured out that my dad had a long list of things to do ahead of “Give son door knob,” one of which was “Drink one thousand beers and take one thousand naps before even thinking of giving son door knob.”

But my door hole wasn’t an issue until I walked home from school one day to find a baby in our house. That baby was my sister who quickly grew into a mobile, tenacious little thing whose main mission was pushing into my room, which, of course, wasn’t hard because door holes are notoriously inept at stopping babies.

“Dad, you know, this would be the perfect time for a door knob.”

He would pull out his list and show me that “Mike’s door knob” was right there at #237.

My only defense was to stack my heaviest possessions in front of the door. But, when determined enough, she would turn into Bamm-Bamm Rubble from The Flintstones. I wouldn’t have been surprised by her ripping the door from the hinges.

Even mighty Skywalker was helpless, turned from a butt-kicking beast into a Jedi Popsicle; I’m sure she would have chewed his head completely off if given enough time.

Now, when my kids are giving me a hard time I point to their door and say “You don’t know how lucky you have it; I grew up with a door hole!”

2 Responses to “I Grew up with a Door Hole and Lived to Tell About It”

  1. ackglg March 4, 2013 at 9:07 am #

    Hahah! Good one! On my door upstairs in my bedroom there is no door hole and no door nob. The twins think it’s cool and asked if they can have a “push/pull” door too. I now know they will be damaged for life from it! Ha
    Keith has a list too.

    • fightn4it March 5, 2013 at 9:48 am #

      They probably put a door knob on before we moved. I’ll have to ask mom.

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