Deep into that Darkness Peering

16 Jan

Last night I had an Inception-like dream within a dream. I know how it sucks to listen to someone go on and on about a dream, but I’ll make it super short.

In my dream it was the middle of the night and I woke up and noticed an old-fashioned, flickering, seven thousand pound TV bolted high on my bedroom wall. I was groggy and confused. I squinted at the news report. What? Bill Clinton died from a heart attack? Holy Shit. I was shocked and sad.

The next day I went to work and told everyone about the tragic death. Some people cried. Everyone pulled their phones out to call friends and family. Soon it was all over Twitter and all the news outlets, spreading like this year’s influenza.

Then I realized: I don’t have a television in my bedroom. It was all a dream! I told a stranger that Bill Clinton hadn’t died after all. He grabbed my shoulders: Do you realize what you’ve done? The media storm turned and was coming right at me. The big story quickly became: some a-hole in Edwardsville made it all up. Let’s get him! The whole pissed off world was trying to find me.

And that’s it. I woke up. See, just three short paragraphs–not too tortuous, right? You’re probably thinking: Jeez, I dream bigger and badder than that, bro, what’s the big deal?

And there is no big deal. I just needed something–anything–to write this morning because, lately, writing has been . . . well, writing has been nothing. It feels impossibly difficult. It’s the hellish dysthymia–I know it. On a typical day, I’ll have the thought: Okay, I’m going to write a thousand words today. So I throw my laptop in my bag and head to the coffee shop, get settled.

With my fingers hovering over the keys, steaming coffee to my left–YOU SUCK, GO HOME, DON’T EVEN TRY! That mean voice in my head. Some call them ANTs, automatic negative thoughts.

So I end up reading The Times and checking e-mail. Or Today’s Deals on Amazon. I check the movie times, refill my coffee, stare at the walls. And then I go home with maybe one crappy sentence written.

But at least I know what’s going on in Syria and Mali.

So my crappy dream is something more than that today. It led to four hundred words on the screen.

And hope for tomorrow.

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