It’s Thanksgiving and I am in HELL

23 Nov

I am in hell.

I’m trapped in a rolling 110 cubic feet of space with one other human for three hours in a span of eight. Other human is in the driver’s seat. Human driver declares: DRIVER MUST BE COMFORTABLE.

Between us, available to human driver ONLY: on/off radio with volume adjustment knob, on/off interior “climate control” with temperature adjustment knob.

I have no headphones. No battery powered fan. No ice cubes. No gun. No pills.

Exterior atmospheric conditions: 55°F. Sunny.

I notice temperature of cramped interior space is comfortable 70°F. Human driver twists temperature knob to Red Zone. I send sideways glance to human driver. Interior temperature climbs to 85°F within minutes. I take my thin hooded sweatshirt off. I sense moisture on my upper lip. The hair under my arms scream and wet themselves. My temples moisten. I become irritable. I take my t-shirt off. My bare chest glistens. I think about the pros and cons of taking my pants off. With eyes and mind, I eject human driver.

Simultaneous to heat punishment campaign, human driver turns radio volume to uncomfortably loud level. The sound waves bounce from the glass, shoot all around and assault my ear drums non-stop. I turn the volume down to 6. Human driver turns it up to 9. I turn to 6. Human turns to 8. I give up. I think about ear plugs. I think about gun. Helpless, sad. I look at watch six times in ninety seconds.

Simultaneous to heat and sound punishment campaigns, human driver introduces Mind-Fu*! campaign: Human driver switches radio station 400 times  in three hours. I think about movies: passenger jumps from moving car, survives without a scratch. I stare at door handle.

Station change. Station change. Station change. Two seconds of a song I like. Station change. What the F*!*! Station change. Bon Jovi. Thanksgiving can bite me. Human driver singing. Just kill me. Station change. Station change. Journey. Human driver singing. Two seconds of a song I think we both like. Station change. What the fu*!! Unidentified song from 1963. Human driver singing. Station change. Two seconds of a song I like. Station change. Two seconds of another song I like. Station change. Bon Jovi. Human driver singing. I wonder if there’s something pointy in the glove box? Station change. Unidentified song from 1974. Human driver singing. Unidentified song from 1978. Human driver singing. Prison can’t be THAT bad.

Sweat in eyes, headache emerging, desperation setting in, I weep quietly with head on cool glass. I notice brainless cows covered with flies and filth. Feel jealous.

I am in hell.

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