Psoriasis of the Inner Glove

20 Oct

While walking the dogs last week, on four consecutive days we passed an abandoned glove in the middle of the road. Each day it seemed to move closer to the curb, closer to our side of the street. I didn’t pay much attention to it.

Until Friday. I saw it was a Seirus glove. I bought a pair of Seirus gloves at Sports Authority last year. They’re expensive. And nice. I picked it  up and looked it over. This glove was a step fancier than mine. It was thicker. I wondered if its owner was mourning the loss. I would be. I pictured some random dude out running, trying to get in shape with his fancy new gloves. But his hands get warm so he tucks his fancy gloves into a pocket. Then one falls out and is left behind, probably lifting a limp finger going “Waaaait, you dropped me!”

I’ve jogged outdoors dozens of times with gloves. I would notice if one went missing. I stood there admiring it wondering why the dude hadn’t come looking for his dang glove. I glanced around for people before slipping in on my left hand. Perfect fit. I looked around again. Am I being set up for an appearance on What Would You Do? Granted, it would be the crappiest scenario ever, but I’m paranoid like that.

Okay, you’re probably wondering why I wanted the stupid glove in the first place. They come in pairs, dummy! Well, this new glove would be an upgrade on my left hand. Sure it would be nice to have matching gloves, but I’m the type of guy who can comfortably wear mismatching gloves. My right pant leg doesn’t necessarily have to match my left. The left side of my head is superior to the right and I’m fine with that. No cosmetic surgery needed.

Besides, if I don’t take the glove it will just sit there in the gutter and rot. Eventually, someone will rake it up with some leaves and burn it or send it off with the city lawn refuse collectors.

I slipped my hand out of it and stuffed it into my hoodie pocket. Do you you know that feeling you get when you buy something awesome? Well, I experienced a little more than half of that feeling the moment I resumed our walk. I had just acquired a kick-ass glove for jogging and biking.

The only thing that could go wrong would be if the mystery runner returns, retracing his route, looking for the missing glove. Maybe he suffered a stroke after that run. My god!–what if he dropped from a heart attack right where I first saw the glove? Who cares about a glove–no matter how fancy it is–when your heart has just stopped functioning. Did I just steal a glove from a dead man? Of course, I’ll never find out what happened, so the best thing to do is to just forget about it.

I’ve worn my new glove five times. It’s, by far, my favorite glove. And I have, like, six pairs.

Update: I wrote the above and forgot about it until this week. I biked to Glen Carbon for my annual appointment with my dermatologist. (She prescribed me Tazorac, not for acne, but to make me look 15 years younger; it erases sun damage. By the way, I found this on WebMD in case you’re considering this stuff: Do not apply the medication in the eyes, eyelids, or mouth, or inside the vagina. I found this odd considering it’s use. But then I saw it’s also used to treat psoriasis. So I searched Google Images for “psoriasis of the inner theigh.” Don’t click on that link because there are some disturbing images, some unrelated to psoriasis. But now I understand the warning. And I hope to god I never get psoriasis. )

On the way home I zipped past another abandoned glove. This was on busy and fast Illinois Route 159, so I figured nobody was going to return for it. And I didn’t have time to stand around pondering the situation like before, so I grabbed it, put it on, and pedaled away. Another freakin’ left-handed glove! (I think the law of averages will kick in so when I have found my 100th lost glove, I should have a near 50-50 split.)

Unfortunately, it’s a bit large, but it’s a nice glove, probably marketed as some type of work glove. The next time I pick up a shovel or rake, my left hand will be protected from blisters.

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