I’m a Superhero! Just Take Away “super” and “hero” and the tights

10 Jun

The whole family watched Marvel’s The Avengers a few Saturdays ago. I swear I didn’t wear an Iron Man costume. But I did see a kid with the mask and boots.

I’ve never been a big fan of this movie breed, but I have seen 16 out of the 92 movies listed under Wikipedia’s List of American superhero films. Counting that high put me in a foul mood and I think I messed up in the middle, so there could be more or less. Anyway, 16 of 92 is something like 17 percent; I wonder where that fits in with the average 40-year-old male.

Notice the gaps. It’s no surprise that the craptacular Superman III and Batman Forever led to extended superhero hiatuses, but I enjoyed The Dark Knight and still avoided superhero movies for four years.

To come up with this list, I first tried to rely on my mushy brain … what a stupid idea THAT was. I was like “Duh, that’s what the internet’s for, to recall information WITHOUT using any brainpower.” So, here’s the list with help from my favorite website.

American superhero movies I HAVE seen:

  • Superman (1978)
  • Superman II (1980)
  • Swamp Thing (1982)
  • Toxic Avenger (1984)
  • Superman III (1983)
  • Batman (1989)
  • Batman Returns (1992)
  • The Mask (1994)
  • Batman Forever (1995)
  • Spider-Man (2002)
  • Hulk (2003)
  • Spider-Man 2 (2004)
  • Batman Begins (2005)
  • Spider-Man 3 (2007)
  • The Dark Knight (2008)
  • The Avengers (2012)

I particularly enjoyed Spider-Man and The Dark Knight. Later this year, I’m sure I’ll catch the “rebooted” Spider-Man movie (The Amazing Spider-Man) and the finale to to Christian bale’s turn as Batman (The Dark Knight Rises).

If I could be a superhero it wouldn’t involve tights and a codpiece. And no uncomfortable mask. And I wouldn’t fight all that much crime. My special skill would be telekinesis. Right now, in Starbucks, I’d move that guy’s coffee over six inches. Then I’d watch his reaction and try not to laugh, act like I didn’t see it. I’d be a subtle and lazy superhero. You might say I’m no superhero at all, but once in awhile I would do something amazing to save a life. Two times a year maybe to keep “hero” in my title.

I’d have to be tough too, like, if I were punched or shot or stabbed it wouldn’t hurt. No blood. That’d be cool. Yeah, your knife would just bend and I’d laugh at you and then use my mind to throw you about 200 feet in the air.

I’m not sure about flying. I’d have to find effective wind goggles. Where would I go for that? Maybe a place selling motorcycles. And of course my hair would always be mussed. And there goes the subtlety. (Oh look, there’s a dorky flying man; God, look at his hair.) Hmm. Not good.

If I had to pitch my idea to a movie studio it’s go something like this:

Call him “Subtle Man!” He’s polite, quiet, and slightly awkward, but he’s powerful, chiseled from rock. He can fly in a pinch, but worries about his hair. He can move mountains, but mostly just sits around messing with people by moving their shit around.

I’d pay $10 to see that.

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