Local Man Doesn’t Know Why He Does That

7 Jun

Granite City, IL (AP) — A bewildered Pontoon Beach man, married for 15 years, couldn’t explain to his wife, who, allegedly, is “at the end of her goddamn rope ” exactly why he does that.

Friends of the couple say that the man does that because it’s just a part of his nature, that he can’t NOT do that. Reportedly, the wife knows this, but is fighting through some pre-midlife existential angst. Below is a partial transcript of one recent conversation.

Wife: Why do you do that? I mean, it’s just … weird.

Husband: What? What are you talking about?

Wife: You know what I mean; you’re a pig and I would prefer you stopped.

Husband: A pig? What the–

Wife: So … why? … why do you do that?

Husband: I don’t know. I just do. Everyone does it. You do it!

Wife: The hell I do! I don’t know anyone who does that. You’re 45 now. Grow. UP!

Husband: Listen to you. If it’s that big a deal I guess you’ll just have to file for a goddamn divorce, huh? That what you’re going after here?

Wife: Maybe I will. Or how about you just stop doing it? Would that be so hard? Jeez, you’re such an asshole!

Husband: Why should I change? I am who I am. Ever consider that? And maybe you’re the asshole. Hm? Ever think of that? You’re just set in your ways. Unflexible is what you are!

Wife: Ha ha ha. That’s not even a word, dork!

Husband: Not flexible! You’re NOT flexible. It’s a word to me!

Wife: Just … can you promise to stop doing it, okay? This is so stupid. I’m just … done. I’m done. I’m done.

Husband: No, I’m done. I’m outta here. I’m going for a walk.

Wife: Good! Take a looooong walk … right off a cliff, okay? Can you do that?

Husband: You’re insane.

Wife: Well you started it. This is all you–your bullshit.

Husband: Whatever.

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