Just Face It, Eating Face Is Gross

30 May

The snacker on the left, the snackee on the right

This story is scary, bizarre, sick and will likely give me nightmares tonight. If I wake up chewing off my wife’s face, I’m going to be in big trouble. I mean, like, sleeping-on-the-couch-for-a-week in trouble.

A naked man was shot dead when he wouldn’t stop chewing the face off of a second naked man on the side of a busy highway. The cop said something like “Hey man, stop chewing face!” The cannibal looked up and growled at the officer before resuming his human snack. That’s when the cop made the boneheaded decision to shoot him.

The guy was unarmed. (The victim was unfaced . . . hee hee) No hidden weapons in his butt. Why shoot him? Taze him, squirt that stingy stuff in his eyes, knock him in the head with your stick. What are those things called? Batons? Call for back-up.

Was it the growl? Come on copper. Just because a human growls at you doesn’t mean you’re dealing with The Wolf Man. The attacker’s teeth, the only “weapon” to speak of, were HUMAN teeth. Not a big threat to the cop. Obviously, the cop was shaken and failed to think it through and wanted to quickly put an end to what his peepers were seeing.

I’d shoot this

Here’s the most gruesome quote from the article: “He had his face eaten down to his goatee. The forehead was just bone. No nose, no mouth.”

I’m getting woozy. That’s so disgusting.

Anyway, since I’m all into healthy living, I guess all I can comment on is the nutritiousness of eating human flesh. I would not recommend eating human face, either raw or cooked. I’m a vegan, but let’s pretend I’m not. Let me think about it for a second . . . okay, I’ve come to a decision about face eating: No, I wouldn’t eat face . . . or feet . . . or thigh.

Of course, I wouldn’t lie down naked on the side of the highway either. I’m totally against bits of glass and rocks poking into my knees and elbows. Ouch. Also, people spit and toss nasty liquids from their windows. That’s just . . . nasty.

Okay, let’s just say for fun that I would eat a guy’s face. I wouldn’t eat a filthy homeless man. I mean, I scrub my organic apples; why would I snack on a guy who hasn’t showered since Kung Fu Panda was in theaters?

Okay, it’s no longer fun, let’s stop pretending.

4 Responses to “Just Face It, Eating Face Is Gross”

  1. misfit120 May 30, 2012 at 10:10 am #

    Could this fall into the “Fast Food” category? (sorry…couldn’t help myself)

    • fightn4it May 30, 2012 at 10:57 am #

      It’s hard to drive and eat someone’s face right off their body, so I wouldn’t call it fast food.

  2. ackglg May 30, 2012 at 10:54 am #

    U didn’t mention the bathsalt. Ppl all over town here are goin nuts on it too! Hope no one tries to eat my face!

    • fightn4it May 30, 2012 at 10:57 am #

      Mom said something about that. I’m going to GTS (google that shit).

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