If You’ve Ever Thought “Man, I Wish It Was Legal to Throw a Baby off a Roof”

14 May

Like most people, I’ve tossed my share of babies off roofs, but this is just too much . . . to make a tradition out of it? Come on, that’s just lame. Here’s another video link. If you didn’t click, I’ll summarize. In this particular town in India, parents line up with their kids, aged 3 months to 2 years, to have them tossed from the roof of a temple onto a cloth held by men. They say the practice makes the babies grow stronger.

Here’s a bullet list about random things being tossed from high places:

  • A WatermelonLetterman used to do this. The cool part about using a melon instead of a 3-month-old infant is there’s no chance of ending up with a dead baby when you’re all done. Who likes dead babies? It gives me the willies typing it.
  • A Mattress – Somewhere around 1996, while moving from a crappy 3rd floor apartment in Springfield, IL, I tossed a mattress over the rail of our back porch. The impetus to this irresponsible act was my initial desire to throw a baby from a high place. So really, really loud, I was like “Does anyone have a baby that I can throw from my third floor apartment window? Anyone?” No takers. Second best thing:  mattress.
  • A Penny – I conducted a very scientific study and found that every single one of of y’all believe that a penny dropped from the Empire State Building would go right through a person’s skull, brain, neck, ripping a  cool-as-hell “penny path” right through an body until lodging somewhere in a big toe. If you hadn’t thought it through in such detail, you thought that it could kill a man, in general, somehow. Well, you’re ignorant. Read this. But something aerodynamic, like a pointy baby, thrown from the Empire State building, could do serious damage to a man holding a sheet.
  • Liquid – What do you get when you combine a group of 18 to 24-year-old men, beer, tall buildings, and a baby sitting on the sidewalk? Come on, it’s easy, people. You get young “adults” dumping beer, spitting, and urinating on that baby. And that will be the most hilarious thing in the world. “Oh my God! Stifler just peed on that baby’s head. Duuuuude! That’s was sooooo awesooooome!”
  • Dexter & Kitty – Yes, I wanted to toss two of our pets off a tall building this weekend. Saturday afternoon a crappy mood and a headache forced me to the couch. As soon as my ass hit the cushion, Kitty barfed. So I ended up crawling around on the floor with paper towels, trying to catch the next three barfs. Then Dexter was barking his damn head off outside, so I brought him in. He gulp down a bunch of water, munched on some kibbles, and barfed it all back up on the kitchen floor. Oh my freaking God, animals!

When my girls were tiny and tended to just lie around all day grunting and soiling themselves, I’d go to extremes to make sure they wouldn’t somehow fall from the couch to the floor: A sturdy object keeping them in place . . . pillows and blankets on the floor. And of course I had a back-up object on the couch and back-up cushioning. Oh, and the safety system set up to buzz and auto-dial 911 when they moved too suddenly. Couch to floor: what is that, an 18 inch drop, 24? Yeah, I’m going to hand my baby over to be tossed from a roof of a building and caught with a sheet.

To blindly follow a tradition.

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