Swearing is Better When we Do it All Together

8 May

I’m sitting in my car at Saint Louis Bread Co. wondering if I should feel even a teensy bit guilty about using their WiFi. I went in and bought coffee, so hey, screw ’em. Right? At least I’m not taking up precious space inside for all these bagel-munchers walking by me in the rain.

Normally, this place has decent coffee, but today it tastes like shit. I mean, this is the foulest, burnt-ass stuff ever to cross my lips. I honestly detect funky undertones of straight-up ass. I’m going back in and I’m going to say “Can I trade this hot ass water for some actual coffee?”

*** 5 minutes later ***

Okay. Much, much better. Now, focus Mike, FOCUS!

I’ve been thinking that this blog is missing something. Something essential. But what? If you said rainbow-colored woodpeckers wearing safety glasses you were damn close. This morning, I woke up and thought “Fuck! It can’t be time to get up already.” That unspoken foul four-letter swear word hit me in the balls like a sack of marbles. (I almost typed “like a ton of bricks,” but that’s a horrible cliché. I’m breaking new ground here people.)

Still in bed I thought “That’s it. That’s fucking it! I need more profanity on my blog.” So today’s an experiment in vulgarity. If you are offended or thinking about unsubscribing, please leave a comment; I’d love to know. I won’t cuss just to cuss (after today). Instead, I’ll censor myself less, because I do swear in my head. When I’m writing I also have this inner critic saying “You can’t write that, asshole!” The goal is to write boldly, without overusing the “Backspace” key. I hate that stupid key anyways.

Strangely, I don’t swear much around other people. I have to be mega-agitated to say the “F” word and that just doesn’t happen much anymore. And if I’m, say, in Target and you’re swearing loud enough for  me to hear, I’ll judge you big time and think you’re trashy. But swearing in print is different, right?

I know I’ve used a few swear words here on the blog, maybe a level one on the vulgarity scale. But I usually throw up some grawlixes, which are the symbols in “Hey ass*!*#, shut the *&!* up!” Another example. If the late Bil Keane, author of The Family Circus, had drawn the father with his penis stuck in a waffle maker, he might have thought to use grawlixes to depict a realistic reaction to such an event.

“eeeouch, *!$!**!@, *!&! *!*&%-**!%&#$. My **!!!* is stuck in the &%*$#!! waffle maker!”

Bil thinks back to when he got his penis caught in the waffle maker.

I do swear out loud at home when I’m out of earshot of humans when our domestic pets barf, shit, or piss in the house, and, lately, that’s been common occurrence, unfortunately. Ick. And when the mischievous dog, Dexter, chews up a shoe or a toy (like this morning), I might drop an F-bomb or two.

“Oh fuck! You little shit, wait ’til Ainsley sees this dismembered Barbie.”

I squirm internally when I type the F word and hitting “publish” will be a little stressful, but, believe me, it’s for the betterment of the planet.

Here’s a book dedicated to the foulest of swear words.

6 Responses to “Swearing is Better When we Do it All Together”

  1. Joe Pineda May 8, 2012 at 10:56 am #

    Profanity and wit go hand in hand. It’s always sad –and grating– to hear people swear up a storm thinking that makes them funny or worth listening to. The best insults and curse words are frankly the ones that are said at the right time.

  2. Margaret May 8, 2012 at 11:39 am #

    I am well read and have a large vocabulary, but I curse like a sailor. I try hard to avoid it in public, but I suppose the truth is that I just like to curse.

    It would be hard to imagine that you will curse to the point of making me not want to read. However, I recognize that I am an outlier on the bell curve.

  3. What I Desired To Say May 8, 2012 at 1:12 pm #

    The backspace is a heinous little button, I’ll agree.

  4. pouringmyartout May 8, 2012 at 4:20 pm #

    It is all about tasteful expression…

  5. misfit120 May 8, 2012 at 6:52 pm #

    Fuck it,,,,um…….I wasn’t going to leave a comment, but, because my conscience won’t let me type out the “F” (fuck) in my own MisfitWisdom blog I thought I’d say “Fuck It” and stick it in yours,…..: )

  6. a.eye May 13, 2012 at 5:37 pm #

    When it is funny, it is funny.

    And I love that you called it St. Louis Bread Co!! Being in StL, I hated when they decided to change the names of the non-local shops to Panera.

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