Old Wrinkly Man Writes About Diapers & Death

6 Mar

I turned “old” yesterday, celebrating my fortieth birthday. For months I’ve been thinking about how I’ll spend the next forty years. Will I ever see Syndey or London? Will I ever jump out of an airplane? Of course, there’s no guarantee I’ll live another forty years. In fact, to prepare myself for the end, I’m pretending to be a Yale undergrad taking this philosophy class about the “d” word: DEATH. Well, I don’t see it as any kind of preparation; it’s just fascinating to me.

Anyhoo, I believe it’s common to freak out over milestone birthdays: thirty, forty, fifty, etc. I’m not freaking out, for I’ve considered myself to be “pretty much forty” for months, and, besides, it’s just a number.

In fact, it feels like a re-birth, like the ultimate New Year’s Day with loftier, long-term resolutions. It’s all about attitude, right?

Turning 40: Two things to be excited about

  1. I’m one year closer to wearing unisex incontinence underwear. If the Depend brand is still around in 2052, I’ll probably go with that, but, then again, knowing myself, I’ll probably buy a generic product to save a few bucks. My current, 40-year-old self drinks a lot of water and coffee. The need to urinate becomes a distraction and interrupts whatever I’m doing, even if that’s just sitting in my Ikea chair reading. It’s appealing to think about the day I can just “go” in my “breathable” unisex incontinence underwear and change it when I’m good and ready, or, better yet, when I instruct someone else to do it. And yes I still love stooping to potty humor whenever the opportunity arises.
  2. Younger guys say things like “Holy crap, I think I’m getting wrinkles around my eyes,” or “Jesus, was my forehead this big yesterday?” Now, I know I’m showing signs of breaking down. There’s just no question about it any longer. At some point you just have to accept it and worry about more important issues, like researching cane manufacturers and deciding what brand of old man shoes will best compliment my skinny old man legs.

I had planned on five things to be excited about, but I almost had a stroke  trying to think of anything beyond this.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: