Tebow to resume off-season practice of strangling small animals

15 Jan

After Tim Tebow’s Denver Broncos were throttled by the New England Patriots Saturday night, Tim Tebow revealed his controversial plans for the off-season.

Wearing a purple shirt and tie, Tim Tebow stepped up to the podium and addressed the media.

“Before I talk about anything else, first I want to thank my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, and my teammates for working so hard, not only tonight, but the entire season.” Tebow said.

Tebow went on to answer several questions: about the lopsided loss, about all the attention he’s received, and about playing against Tom Brady.

Then it got a little weird when he was asked about his off-season plans.

“I’m going to work hard to improve all facets of my game,” Tebow said. “And I’m going to strangle as many small animals as possible, mostly kittens.”

As the stunned media wondered what to make of this new development, Tebow continued.

“Last year since we didn’t make the playoffs, I got an earlier start and probably strangled 21 or 22 small animals, including two parakeets and a cockatiel.”

Tebow was asked how he justifies this practice, given his strong religious devotion and vows to make the world a better place.

“Uh, before I answer that I want to thank my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, for giving me so many opportunities last off-season to strangle so many small animals, including a couple of nasty ferrets and a disabled boy’s pet hamster.”

The mood in the room darkened and a couple of reporters stormed out in disgust.

“What kind of man are you?” A man shouted.

“Before I answer that question I want to thank my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, for giving me the drive and motivation to strangle a bunch more small animals this off-season,” Tebow continued. “I’ll probably get things started tomorrow after church by strangling my neighbor’s brown tabby, Lucy. Then I’m going to watch some football.”

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