Zippered Sweaters Take Over the World

8 Dec

Generally, I don’t like to look like a slob at school events. Last night I as prepared to attend Chloe’s band concert, I held up my bright green v-neck sweater and looked at myself in the mirror. This would’ve worked but I was wearing a pale, reddish t-shirt. I didn’t like the color combination and I didn’t want to change the t-shirt, so I put the sweater down and grabbed my gray, zippered sweater and slipped into it.

Let me be clear, though I love them, I’m not talking about a zippered, hooded sweatshirt. I’m talking about a new kind of garment. It’s rare. It’s dressy. It’s stylish.

And it zips.This is not me or my sweater, just an example

I picked the gray one ‘cuz it was on top of my zippered sweater stack. I don’t know how I’ve survived in this world thirty-nine years without zippered sweaters, but I’m going to embrace them for the next thirty-nine and beyond. I own three. I can zip that baby up all the way and it turns into a mock turtleneck or I can park the zipper four inches down and the sides lazilly hang to give me a more casual look. It has me wondering why they’re not more common. Look around while you’re out today and try to find a zippered sweater.

Though I expected a Christmas or winter-themed concert, it turned out to be more of a convection oven-type of event; it was ninety degrees in the gym. The guy in front of me was wearing a bright green v-neck sweater exactly like the one I rejected earlier, and, though it looks better on me, I was glad that my earlier laziness prevented an embarrassing situation. The odds of two men wearing such a unique shade of green sitting next to each other are ten thousand to one.

As the heat rose I pictured myself in a traditional sweater and if I would consider pulling it off over my head in such a tight spot. Here’s what I imagined: both arms twisting up in the air as I try to seperate sweater from t-shirt, head disappearing, t-shirt riding up to expose my belly, struggling for freedom, and, finally, the lady next to me absorbing a series of sharp, bony elbow blows to the face (We were packed in there like–I was going to say sardines, but I don’t really know how sardines are packed. I wouldn’t touch a sardine and it’s a cliche anyway.) Also, of course, there’s the danger of screwing up my hair, earlier styled into an acceptable display.

I was literally beginning to freak out from the people, the noise, and the heat. But here’s the magic of the zippered sweater: I casually unzipped this wizardly garment and slid out without losing sight of my surroundings, bloodying a fellow concert-goer, or disturbing my dishwater blond locks. (I initially, accidentally, typed “dishwasher” instead of dishwater, which would have passed the spell check, but made no sense.)

I looked around and saw all these people with sweat beads forming on their upper lips, stuck in traditional over-the-head tops. The guy in my sweater was squirming and losing his temper at his teenage daughter. (obviously venting his frustration over his poor decision to wear an unzippered sweater) I, however, sat there smug as a bug in a rug. Okay, that makes no sense, but I’m going to leave it in. (Hey, I’m not writing for the New Yorker here, am I?). I Googled it and learned that it’s actually “snug as a bug in a rug,” and it’s both an idiom and a cliche.

In the end, I enjoyed the concert, but was happy to get out of that stuffy, over-crowded gym. Once the cool air from the entry doors breezed into the hall and over my bare arms, I carefully re-draped myself with zippered sweetness. At home, I carefully folded it and placed it under my other two magic shirts. But this morning when I was preparing for a new day, I saw that gray sweater, and, remembering the previous night, decided to reward it with another oppurtunity to wow me. I’m wearing it as I type this, in a chilly Panera Bread, and, yes, I’m snug as a bug in a rug.

One Response to “Zippered Sweaters Take Over the World”

  1. MOM December 8, 2011 at 6:08 pm #

    ANOTHER great story! ALL of them are good!

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