Help! There’s a primate micturating (look it up) on my leg.

8 Oct

About a month ago I watched that new Planet of the Apes movie at the local theater. As I started writing this, it took me forever to remember what I had watched that night, but in the end it doesn’t matter because I’m not looking to write a film review. I liked the movie, but it was the aftermath in the restroom that stuck with me.

It’s typical that I head straight to the urinals after a movie to rid myself of five gallons of Diet Coke (well, I used to…I’ll get into that in a future post). For you people “in the know” I have a thick book of observed social quirks. Despite the awkwardness of lining up with strangers to “go pee pee,” I don’t avoid the urinals because I follow the unwritten rules and expect others to do the same. Obviously, there are more rules than I have time to mess with, so let’s review four of them.

  • Keep your head pointed straight ahead (avoid eye contact). Imagine a plumb bob hanging from your chin; it should pass directly in front of your belly button and down to bisect the distance between your feet. It’s fine to look up at the ceiling or down at your business, but don’t turn your head to the side or it will appear that you’re trying to look at your neighbor’s penis. I have decent peripheral vision, so I always know when my neighbor has moved his head from center.
  • Don’t talk. Some people think it’s fine to talk to an adjacent friend, but in my rulebook, this is not allowed unless you’re the only two in the men’s room. Of course, if there’s a stranger next to you and your buddy is next to him, please don’t try to talk to him. I’ve been that guy in the middle.
  • Keep your spray under control. The urinals are designed to contain side and back-splash, but if you’re trying to go one or no-handed, you’re at risk of losing control. Focus. Be aware of you’re hands. Line everything up. Think “symmetry.” If one hand is scratching your ass, the other is casually rested on a water pipe, you’re looking left talking to a friend two urinals away, and your pants are pulled down below your knees (see below), you’re screwing everything up.
  • And the last rule is the newest rule; it didn’t exist until the night after the movie. Don’t pull your pants down and stand there with your butt hanging out.

As always I was following all the rules at my urinal when a guy pulled in on my left. Immediately, I sensed trouble; he was talking and making way too much noise.

What the … ? Is this part of the monkey experience I signed up for when I bought the ticket?

I couldn’t understand what he was saying and I was fighting this strong urge to turn my head. This “ape” man, in 2 seconds, had broken the “don’t look at me, don’t talk to me” rules. This had never happened to me before. Still looking straight ahead, I could see him moving around; his arms were here, and then, there. Suddenly I lost all concentration. I didn’t know if I wanted to hurry up and finish (turn up the pressure) or stop the flow and get the hell away, so I got caught in between, unable to do either. I was stuck.

Did I just feel a drop of liquid hit the outside of my left calf? Oh.  My. GOD.

He asked me a question, the last word was “movie.” I think.

Peeing on you is groovy? 

I sensed his stare and his sudden lack of movement. This–guy–was waiting for a frikkin’ reply. Finally, I had to turn my head. I looked at him for a second, smiled, and said something like “Yeah” as in “Yeah, that movie was pretty cool.” No, go ahead: whiz on my bare leg.

I saw his face and searched it for a sign of diminished mental capacity. That would make it okay. Then I would understand.

Not enough time for an impromptu I.Q. test. I gotta get out of here.

I zipped up and moved away, thinking about that drop of urine that might have hit my leg. I went to the sink, washed my hands, and then headed to the hand dryer where I could rest for a few seconds and take a peek at this guy. He was still at the urinal and still talking. His pants were pulled down to his knees! I smiled for the first time during this harrowing ordeal and looked around to see if others were taking this in. No one seemed to notice, but I knew better. The rules. I thought this was a good time to break one of the rules to lock eyes with a rule-following stranger to exchange the teeny tiniest of smiles to convey “What’s with this guy?” Nope. I was in the midst of some real sticklers.

Before I end I’m adding a new rule:

  • If one guy breaks a rule, all others are free to connect briefly (1 to 2 seconds) to acknowledge, or mock, the scofflaw.


5 Responses to “Help! There’s a primate micturating (look it up) on my leg.”

  1. Linda October 8, 2011 at 11:11 am #

    I’m so glad that I’m a girl.

  2. genesismeranda October 11, 2011 at 1:28 am #

    I’m always excited when I receive an email saying you’ve posted again. Your posts never disappoint and always make me laugh out loud. Thank you =)

    • fightn4it October 13, 2011 at 1:06 pm #

      Thanks! LOVE to hear that.

  3. me October 15, 2011 at 8:35 am #

    HA!…GROSS! NO WAY!!! …..but Funny lol 😉

    • fightn4it October 16, 2011 at 6:16 am #

      Yeah, gross. I hope Lee follows the “rules.”

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