I Have Layers Like Ogres And Onions

28 Jan

During winter I wear three layers on my lower half. I know I’ve mentioned this before. My base layer, all year, is boxer shorts similar to the pair pictured below. I don’t own any underwear that funny though. Layer 2, cozy thermal underwear, is the key to my cold weather happiness. If the temperature is below freezing and my middle layer is missing, I feel naked, cold and nasty. Not nasty-dirty, but nasty-crabby. The third layer is too make me look awesome, or normal. If I go out without this top layer, people point and say things like “Look at that freak in his underwear.”

This cold weather set-up poses no inconveniences but one. Several times–three this month alone!–after urinating in a public restroom, I have failed to put everything back where it belongs. Each time I zipped up–I guess in quite the rush–washed my hands, and exited the restroom to discover, right outside the door, that I have pulled up Layer 2 and Layer 3 up over my privates, but somehow missed my inner layer, which is stuck “down under” causing much discomfort. I can walk a small distance in unaware bliss, but after ten or so, increasingly awkward, and–I’m certain–funny looking steps, I stop walking. I just freeze.

For example, one time this happened in Borders (everything happens there). It’s perfect to be surrounded by bookshelves when this happens, because I can act like I’m browsing the music & film section that is situated right there near the restrooms. I run a finger along the spines, look to my right, my left, and if nobody is near me, looking at me, I go right back into the restroom to undo my error. Nobody saw me walk out and nobody saw me scurry right back in.

But early this week, I took the girls to Pizza Hut to cash in their Book it! coupons for free personal pan pizzas. It was  a million degrees in there, so I unzipped my gray hoodie, removed it, and was surprised to find I still had on a “performance” layer from an earlier bike ride, so I went in the men’s room to take it off.

I thought: Well hell since I’m in here and there’s a toilet I might as well pee in it.

I finished (so I thought) and walked out of there into the openness of the restaurant, felt that familiar feeling of something being “off” and then I slowed down and then I stopped. The girls looked at me like what are you doing? I felt sweat form on my upper lip. I held up my hand in front of me with my index finger sticking up saying hold on a minute. I swiveled and slunk back into the restroom hoping my body language wasn’t saying damn I forgot to wash my hands, or worse, my underwear waist band is strangling my balls.

I can’t wait ’til Spring blooms so I can scrap frigging Layer 2.

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15 Responses to “I Have Layers Like Ogres And Onions”

  1. linda January 28, 2011 at 5:35 pm #

    I’m snorting and spitting with laughter here!

    • fightn4it January 29, 2011 at 5:18 pm #

      You better clean that up. Thanks for commenting!

  2. barefootchic* January 28, 2011 at 9:01 pm #

    Ahahahahaha!!! I’m sorry, but this story is so funny! I must say though, your bottom ensemble is very stylish and cool looking – I love it, especially the tight layer 2 – very sexy. 🙂

    • fightn4it January 29, 2011 at 5:18 pm #

      Well, thank you!

  3. annie2709 January 29, 2011 at 1:52 am #

    oh i m waiting for spring, too… but fortunately i m a girl so even if my layers (i wear at least 3, too) arent where they re supposed to be, they dont strangle anything. 😉
    though i hate spending hours in restrooms till they re set again – i always wonder what ppl imagine i do in there that long. LOL

    • fightn4it January 29, 2011 at 5:19 pm #

      Ha. It doesn’t take me very long to get set again, 2 seconds maybe. Still sucks!

  4. sangwookang January 29, 2011 at 11:54 am #

    You’re absolutely hilarious.

    • fightn4it January 29, 2011 at 5:20 pm #

      thanks!

  5. Lisa January 29, 2011 at 5:37 pm #

    That’s hilarious and oh wow, they still have “Book It!” That’s great!

    • fightn4it February 1, 2011 at 9:43 am #

      Yes, they do. I love it. What’s better than free pizza?

  6. Jackie January 29, 2011 at 6:15 pm #

    This is some seriously funny stuff. Also, thank God for BookIt! Take them all the time to cash in those pizzas. Beware, however, that they will constantly reward themselves with pizza when they grow up. …Or is that just me?

    • fightn4it February 1, 2011 at 9:44 am #

      I think that’s everyone!

  7. elenamusic January 31, 2011 at 12:28 am #

    Wow, that is pretty funny. Although, if I were one of those girls, I would wonder if you had unfinished business in the bathroom. You should just show them this blog and I’m sure they’d understand.

    • fightn4it February 1, 2011 at 9:45 am #

      Ha. I’m not sure I’m ready to show them this stuff.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. I Have Layers Just like Ogres and Onions « plum bananas | pan pizza - January 28, 2011

    […] But early this week, I took the girls to Pizza Hut to cash in their Book it! coupons for free personal pan pizzas. It was a million degrees in there, so I unzipped my gray hoodie, removed it, and was surprised to find I still had on a … The rest is here: […]

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