My Daughter Sucks at Old Maid

27 Jan

Ainsley, happy, because I haven't beaten her ass yet.

Last night Ainsley and I played two games of Old Maid. I whooped her six-year-old ass both times and she cried both times. Three times I threatened to quit because she kept trying to cheat. Does any of this make me a bad parent? Of course not. She needs to learn how to lose. Chloe is ten and still struggles with losing. I whoop her ass at Connect Four and Slamwich and she seems to want to beat me with her flute. When they somehow manage to beat me at a game, in a weak attempt to teach them something, I overcompensate by acting happier than I had been. I lose and get all cheery.

See kids, look at how daddy handles losing. They see through my fake smile and it NEVER helps. They STILL throw a fit later when I annihilate them at, whatever.

Ainsley has a lot to learn with this game. She was dealt the old b*!*h in the first game so she positioned it on right end of her cards and it stayed there. It was obvious to this OMM (Old Maid Master) because as I held my hand out like I was thinking hard about what card to choose, she would move her hand so that the old maid card was practically touching my fingers. Like I’m going to fall for that one! I let her hold onto it for awhile. Finally, I decided to take it because her distress was increasing as the game progressed. So I tried this old trick to see how she would react.

The oldest trick in the book

She said, “That’s the Old Maid,” and, of course, immediately picked something else. On the next turn I put Floyd Farmer up tall. She avoided him and, to her horror, picked the Old Maid over on the right. I howled with laughter and pumped my fist. Holy cow, she was pissed.

“Daddy, why did you do that!” She yelled.

I had taught her the second oldest Old Maid trick. You make your opponent think one card is the old maid, but in reality, it’s tucked discreetly among the regular cards. Don’t feel bad if you didn’t know these tricks–really, not many do. (I can teach you, just shoot me an e-mail.)

So she resorted to bending the cards down so she could see them before pulling them from my hand. She knew she couldn’t trust me and the game had turned from fun to torture. She had no idea was up against the Madison County Old Maid champion.

Thirty years ago, I ruined my grandma’s Old Maid game when I bit the old b*!*h card in anger. It left deep, obvious, teeth marks. From then on the game was simple and went like this: if you were dealt the old maid card, you lose. We could complete 15 games in a half hour. But it was boring. One option was to play blindfolded, but no one was willing to do that with me because they knew I’d be peeking the whole time. So the question becomes: did Ainsley inherit the urge to cheat at card games from me or do most kids do it?

I failed to capture her anger when she lost. Don't be fooled by her smiles.


21 Responses to “My Daughter Sucks at Old Maid”

  1. aunaqui January 28, 2011 at 10:38 am #

    Haha, so after I read your “freshly pressed” blog post, I wanted to read more — and I am increasingly more in love with your writing style and ability. You are very humorous — the way your sentences are structured, the way details are quickly and abruptly inserted — even your vulgarity and “meanness.” Good parenting, doing the cheesy “losing is awesome” bit.. I do something of that sort with my niece AND my dog (yeah.. I don’t know how to explain it).

    -Aun Aqui

    • Jackie January 29, 2011 at 6:18 pm #

      Absolutely agree.

    • fightn4it February 1, 2011 at 9:25 am #

      Well, thank you very much. I’m copying this comment to my desktop so I can see it often.

  2. reneedavies January 28, 2011 at 11:39 am #

    Ah ha ha…this is funny! Great and honest blogging.

    • fightn4it February 1, 2011 at 9:26 am #

      Thank you!

  3. Meg January 28, 2011 at 5:44 pm #

    I’ve read a few of your entries and I really love them. Each one makes chuckle and I agree that your writing style is really interesting.
    So about this post, I have a 6 year old niece who always cheats at games. We played a game of Cooties the other day and instead of rolling the dice, she would set it down on the number she needed to progress with her cootie building.
    I of course tried to scold her for doing so, but my father insisted on letting her win.
    Although it’s innocent and she doesn’t know better at this time, letting her win this way is going to teach her that cheating is alright and she won’t learn how to be a good sport when losing.
    So I believe it’s always good to teach your children the proper ways to play. You’re doing good by not letting her cheat to win.

    • fightn4it February 1, 2011 at 9:29 am #

      Thanks for your nice comments…makes me blush. Cootie, oh I remember that! I haven’t played Cootie in years. I will definitely introduce the girls to that and watch them try to cheat just like you wrote about. lol.

  4. StuckOutsideTheBox January 28, 2011 at 7:50 pm #

    hahaha 🙂 I can imagine her anger – I have two little brothers that will fly into a rage when I beat them at something.

  5. toemailer January 28, 2011 at 7:54 pm #

    Reminds me of an old Richard Brautigan poem that talks about him as a kid playing chinese checkers with an old lady and ends with hims saying something like they both enjoyed themselves and cheated.

    Ok, I googled it.

    “The Chinese Checker Players”*
    When I was six years old
    I played Chinese checkers
    with a woman
    who was ninety-three years old.
    She lived by herself
    in an apartment down the hall
    from ours.
    We played Chinese checkers
    every Monday and Thursday nights.
    While we played she usually talked
    about her husband
    who had been dead for seventy years
    and we drank tea and ate cookies
    and cheated.

    • fightn4it February 1, 2011 at 9:31 am #

      Thanks for sharing. I wasn’t familiar with Brautigan, but now I have “Trout Fishing in America” in my list of books to read. If both are cheating, then everything’s okay, right? lol.

  6. barefootchic* January 28, 2011 at 9:17 pm #

    I’m having a tough time with my oldest daughter (7 yr old) about it too, that she gets upset and say that she wants to quit once she starts to lose… Like you said, we have to teach about losing too because life happens and you don’t get to win every single time. This applies to everything in our lives, not just cards…

    Cheating part – I think every kid does that, no?

    • fightn4it February 1, 2011 at 9:32 am #

      I guess that’s true and it’s comforting to know that it’s just not my kids. It DOES say something, I think, about our overly-competitive culture. Thanks for commenting!

  7. lorensztajer January 29, 2011 at 3:15 pm #

    Great post. I think cheating is genetically hardcoded into people. If you get the cheating gene from one parent, you cheat a little as a kid, then learn how to control it. If you get the gene from both parents, you become a politician.

    • fightn4it February 1, 2011 at 9:33 am #

      Ha Ha. Yeah, that sound about right. My kids are screwed!

  8. Joe Storm January 30, 2011 at 1:10 pm #

    I think all of us when were kids had some type of fit when we lose (I know I did playing UNO lol). It maybe just one type of game that gets us mad (I never once had a fit losing any of my baseball games).

    With card games, I see A LOT of my little cousins getting mad when they lose.

    • fightn4it February 1, 2011 at 9:34 am #

      I just played a marathon game of UNO with the 6-year-old. It went on so long I think she was happy she finally lost. lol.

  9. Lethbridge Dentist January 31, 2011 at 10:04 am #

    This made me laugh. I have 6 kids so I’ve had my share of winning, losing, and cheating. Well, kinda. I would never admit to that one…

    But yeah, games with kids are fun. We learn as we get older that it’s not all about the winning. (just kidding)

    • fightn4it February 1, 2011 at 9:36 am #

      I think you just did admit to it. lol. It’s much pressure on me to teach so much to these kids. How to win. How to lose. How to–everything!

  10. myonepreciouslife January 31, 2011 at 11:00 pm #

    Awesome. I’m pretty sure all kids cheat at cards. It’s a valuable skill and a victimless crime. Me, I even used to cheat at solitaire.

    • fightn4it February 1, 2011 at 9:38 am #

      Lol. You cheated at solitaire!? Hmmm, you know, if I think real hard I’d probably remember doing the same thing at some point.


  1. Daughter sucks | Greatstatescho - March 6, 2012

    […] My Daughter Sucks at Old Maid « plum bananasMy Daughter Sucks at Old Maid. 27 Jan. Ainsley, happy, because I haven’t beaten her ass yet. Last night Ainsley and I played two games of Old Maid. I whooped … […]

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