“Being Cold” Scores Half Plum

19 Jan

I hate freezing my ass off and, lately, that’s all I’ve been doing. Every year it seems to get so cold that I can’t walk outside mostly naked. My preferred approach to going outdoors is to just GO, wearing whatever I already have on (hopefully not much more than a pair of boxers and some shorts). I can do this in May, June, July, August, September, and October, but come November or thereabouts, when I walk outside, mostly naked, my arms involuntarily grab onto each other, my teeth begin to vibrate in my head (I hear a chattering noise), I hunch over, my head sinks into my shoulders, my body starts to shake and shiver, and I hop around like a maniac. It is this bundle of actions and uncomfortable feelings that I am reviewing today.

I think this odd automatic behavior is supposed to help warm up a human’s body. I’m not really sure, but it doesn’t work very good.

At this point, usually after under ten seconds, I get the urge to run back into the house and climb under a thick blanket until my body stops doing all those weird, uncomfortable, exhausting things.

I can be warm AND take snapshots

By December, I notice that my body goes into “warm up” mode even indoors. At the beginning of the month, I’m still sleeping mostly naked and I’m relatively warm under three or so blankets. When it’s time to get up and face another day, I throw the blankets wayward, stand up, and am crippled by these feelings once again. I’m forced to put on portable blankets (t-shirts, sweatshirts, long pants, socks) before I can do anything. By the end of December, I need to wear the portable blankets under the stationary ones on the bed.

Once in awhile, again indoors–this happened this morning–my hands spontaneously rub together as if I’m trying to start a friction fire or, worse, my hands will flee to underneath my butt, so that I’m sitting on them leaving me unable to type or grab my fork (if I’m eating) or whatever.

Luckily, these behaviors gradually cease in April or May, when, overnight it seems, I realize that my body is excreting this odd fluid from my skin, and I get this sudden urge to strip out of my clothes. The whole process is bizarre and seems to be operating on some kind of cycle. When I figure it out I will definitely write about it.

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