LARGE PRINT & Tiny Books Both Suck

14 Jan

Last night in my jammy whammies while I wished for sleep, I was in the grip of the 2009 book  Columbine, written by Dave Cullen. This guy spent 10 years–it shows!–researching and writing this fascinating book about the April 20, 1999 school shooting at Columbine High School. But I’m not writing about the book or the shooting.

I stopped looking at the clock because I didn’t want to be frightened by how late it was. Ideally, I read from 9 to 10:30. It was way past that when I put the book down and lay there thinking about blood and guns.

I read 200 pages. Impressive? Not really. We’re always ordering books through our public library system and making the mistake of ordering the LARGE PRINT version. It takes careful attention to make sure you’re not getting the audio book on CD (sometimes that’s what I’m after, though) or, even worse if it’s an old book, the audio book on cassette. What the hell am I going to do with that?

Usually it’s Jennifer who orders the LARGE PRINT books and I unmercifully make fun of her for it.

Ha Ha, you’re 90 and blind you need LARGE PRINT You have to turn the page every 5 seconds and your book is three feet thick Ha Ha.

Yeah, I am that annoying.

Last night she walked into the room, noticed the gigantic floor to ceiling print and before she could utter a word (make fun of me) I said “Yeah, I know, I pulled a Jennifer.”

Even the library clerk, a hulking, odd-looking young man, had to comment on the text size. Whoa, large print is all he said. I said What? I ordered the large print? Then he told me that it was a good book and told me a little bit of why he thought that.

Five or so years ago I ordered the late Richard Carlson’s Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff–and it’s all small stuff from Amazon and eagerly awaited its arrival. I open the box, removed some of the packing stuff, and thought they had shipped me an empty box. What a disappointment. I turned it upside down and a microscopic “book” fell out. I had mistakenly ordered some kind of abridged pocket book. Again, what the hell am I going to do with that?

I sent that thing right back to Amazon. Or did I? I just received a vision, or memory, of–and I don’t know why I would do this–throwing the worthless thing in a box destined for Goodwill. It cost, like, five bucks.

Tiny-ass book

Another time I ordered a non-fiction book about I-can’t-remember-what from the library and, in horror, watched the librarian pull a giant children’s book off of the hold shelf for me. The words were twice the size of the LARGE PRINT book I tackled last night. I guess I was embarrassed because I didn’t tell her I had made a mistake, but still tossed the book in the outside drop-off box as I left.

What a crazy world of extremes we live in where books are sometimes teeny-weeny (in a blink I lose the dang thing in the folds of a sheet) or sometimes gigantic (I’m knocked out by it when I fall asleep reading).

I just want to hang out somewhere in the middle where I’m safe.

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2 Responses to “LARGE PRINT & Tiny Books Both Suck”

  1. 4eternalsunshine January 14, 2011 at 4:35 pm #

    I’m still wearing my crooked,glued,scratched, dog chewed glass.. I used to be able to see so GOOD! WTF happen? 😦

    • fightn4it January 14, 2011 at 4:58 pm #

      The same thing that happened to me…my 30s happened. I was in denial about my fading vision for a looong time.

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