Marriage Is Like an Amusement Park

1 Jan

Normally tranquil on coasters, this guy is reacting to his recent marriage.

“I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.”
-Groucho Marx

Comparing marriage to a roller coaster has been done. You know, marriage has its ups and downs. Blah, blah. I see many similarities way before you get around to boarding a coaster.

  • The first thing they do is stamp you. All day every time you look at your watch you’re reminded of where you are.
  • Amusement parks are waaay more expensive than they should be. In the morning when you’re buying the tickets you think you’re getting a good deal. This is a frickin’ STEAL! All this fun for $39? By noon you know you’ve been screwed.
  • You walk in circles all day and there’s a tall fence around the perimeter. They tell you that you’re going to have a great time as long as you don’t try to hop the fence behind the Log Flume. The only way out is the way you came in.
  • Outside the park at a QT, a Budweiser can be yours for under a dollar. Once inside the gate, it will cost you seven bucks.
  • You spend most of the day waiting around for something fun to happen. When you’re in line, there’s nowhere to sit down because they make you take three steps every 30 seconds (carrying a little stool and dragging it along every half a minute is just stupid.  You know the asshole behind you will be knocking his stool into the back of your legs). Once you decide to rest by sitting on a rail–the second your ass touches the metal–the line moves and you have to get up again. Then you notice the back of your leg is sticky and you spend 15 minutes trying to determine if it’s gum or cotton candy. The longer the wait, the more likely your kid will have to pee. Then you’ll have to tell your kid to “just hold it” 176 times. Then you have to pee yourself. As the line snakes back and forth, you have to look at the same stupid people over and over and over and over. After ninety minutes of waiting, the ride is over in two.
  • Once in awhile, a ride will turn you upside down and make you lose all your shit. I think it was at Six Flags St. Louis years ago when I rode this loopity-loop-loop ride and realized that the things I held most dear were being sucked from my being. When the cart first took off I was having a great time. You should have seen the smile on my face. This roller coaster is going to be the best! In the middle of the ride, my limbs were suddenly grasping here and there trying to hold it all together. My shoes threatened to jettison. My hat disappeared into the wind and I heard clinking, bouncing coins mixed with the screams of my fellow riders.
  • Stinky, apron-wearing goons with bad teeth try to convince you to spend $125 to win a plastic back scratcher. At first the prospect of spending $2 for life-size stuffed panda is too tantalizing to pass up. Then you find out that even if you get the ring on the Coke bottle you don’t get the life-size stuffed panda. You have to keep trading up. First you get a feather on a string or a plastic spider ring. But, of course, you can’t get the ring on the Coke bottle anyway, so after you’re half way in you realize what’s happening and you wonder what the hell am I going to do with a life-size stuffed panda anyway?
  • At the end of the day, you smell worse than the panda-peddling carny, your feet hurt, your face and arms are sun-fried, your money is gone and your $125 plastic back scratcher is too short to scratch where it really itches.

"Come here loser, win your lady a stuffed snake."


One Response to “Marriage Is Like an Amusement Park”


  1. Wife Fails to Follow Through on Her Threats to Kill Me « I Review Every Thing - January 5, 2011

    […] wrote about marriage the other day on the other blog, here. The basic message was simple: marriage is difficult. It’s impossible to predict if a […]

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