The Little Brown Shack Out Back

13 Sep

Not our outhouse

I was just sitting here thinking about spiders and poop and was reminded of the little cabin on the lake our family used to own. I wrote a little about our lake life here. Our first cabin was awesome except when you had to go poo or pee because then you had to visit the outhouse. The outhouse was great if you liked:

  • sitting in the dark
  • the smell of shit and chemicals mixed together
  • Spiders as big as coasters
  • A dark, quiet, stinky, private place to think about the meaning of life
  • Sitting very close to coaster-sized spiders in the dark while holding your nose with your pants down around your ankles groping for the spider web-covered roll of toilet paper.

Luckily, trees were plentiful so I could get away with whizzing in other, better ventilated, locations. It was summer and I was a kid so I didn’t care to much about not washing my hands after each and every pee. Mike, get your fingers out of the pickle jar. Hard tellin’ where your hands have been.

I took Ainsley into a portable toilet on Saturday at her sister’s soccer game. On one hand, complete darkness would have been great. Why do I look down into the hole? I look every time and every time I almost start gagging. I’m such a grouchy ball of anxiety in portable toilets that I’m sure Ainsley wanted to throw me into the stinky, blue pit. That’s how annoying I am in tiny shitters; I’m intolerable. Ainsley, don’t touch that. Don’t look in there. Don’t let your feet touch the floor. What? Oh, I don’t know why we can’t flush all those big turds; don’t ask me questions in here–I’m trying to hold my breath. When we stepped out of there and I sucked in a big, glorious gulp of fresh air, I felt like I needed to lay down right there in the grass.

But in our outhouse back in the eighties a light would have been nice. The only light came from the door left open a crack. I was just a kid but not the type of kid who could sit on the toilet for everyone to see. The outhouse entrance was facing the area where people congregated. Funny, I don’t remember taking a flashlight in there either. I probably wasn’t trusted not to drop the damn thing into the hole. I’m not even scared of spiders, but the thought of sitting in a dark outhouse with a big spider hovering above my head, coming lower and lower, is enough to give me major heebie jeebies.

One day dad found a spider that–I’m not kidding–was as big as a (okay, 3/4 the size of a) baseball. It was carrying an egg under its butt the size of a golf ball. That’s how I remember it anyway; I’m sure in my mind it’s grown a little bit each year. Question never asked: Dad, did you have to tell us where you found a baseball-sized spider? I don’t remember this, but how can you go back into the outhouse after such a discovery? I bet I was constipated for days after that.

I’m just grossed out right now. I think I’m discovering as I type that I was seriously traumatized by that outhouse.


7 Responses to “The Little Brown Shack Out Back”

  1. mom September 13, 2010 at 5:31 pm #

    Never did like the outhouse but didn’t like the portable toilet that had those blue chemicals in it either. I always tell the story that my good friend Mary Pastor told me. She was out at the “farm” of Father Bob Spriggs (her nephew) and a bunch of young teenagers were out there visiting. When a couple of the girls came out of the outhouse they came over to Mary and whispered quietly in her ear…”how do you flush it???”

    • fightn4it September 13, 2010 at 7:52 pm #

      That’s funny.
      I was going to ask you about that little bitty toilet. What are those called?

  2. NurseWrachette September 13, 2010 at 5:46 pm #

    LOL ok “Mom” is a hoot. But serioulsy, if faced with the task of a “pit” toilet or a nice tree or bush… I will take the tree or bush. I am always afraid that a squirrel or a snake will come up and bite me in the whoohoo. How do you explaine that to the emergency room staff? Let alone to my jokster hubby who would tell the story at all family functions in the future.

    • fightn4it September 13, 2010 at 7:54 pm #

      Yes, that would be awful. I don’t know what would be worse, the squirrel or the snake.

  3. Melanie September 13, 2010 at 6:56 pm #

    so gross. i still feel that way about port-a-potties. I will NOT go in them unless i absolutely have to.

  4. bogman September 14, 2010 at 6:34 am #

    “I was just sitting here thinking about spiders and poop…..” Dr Phil could fill a whole season of shows with you my friend! 🙂 Great blog, keep it up. Best regards from England

  5. 4eternalsunshine September 14, 2010 at 8:06 am #

    funny lol 🙂 that reminds me, i need to get out the insecticide and start spraying!

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