Biting the Hand That “Feeds” Me

8 Sep
Written by Sammie, editor’s dog

I am shocked and disgusted about the recent 1-star review I received from the “editor” of this website. It was a reeeal eyeopener. That guy is an ass; don’t believe a word he says. He’s upstairs right now probably doing something extremely assy, like playing with those disgusting cats. I have only 15 minutes before he comes back, but that’s long enough to refute his pathetically weak review point by point.

Time of day I have to make a poo-poo

Oh, this is just the best. I have a question: Who schedules their own goddamn bowel movements? When humans feel that familiar urge to excrete , do they think wow, this is really not a good time, let’s reschedule this for tomorrow morning…sevenish. When this dog’s gotta go, this dog’s gotta go. Master, my ass. Ass-master, maybe. Maybe I should wear a watch and learn how to tell time and then he can schedule my poops. Or would he rather I shit on the floor at 2 a.m.? Because I can do that. Oh, and he doesn’t like that I stand on his chest to wake him up? What the f—? What does he want me to do, ring a little bell? Hum a sweet tune in his ear? A clash of cymbals for chrissake? I. AM. A. DOG. Geesh.

My activity level

Oh, he’s not happy that I’m not a puppy. He wants me to tug on his little rope toy, huh? Go to h—! I’m NOT a puppy. According to this dog years website I’m like a 55-year-old human. My teeth are barely hanging on in there as it is. Plus, I just don’t wanna play because it’s stupid and pointless. Still, I might act more like a freaking puppy–hopping all over, cocking my head, being cute–if he paid more attention to me. How ’bout an occasional belly rub? Does he remember that long, rope-like device we call a LEASH? How about a walk around the block once in awhile? Oh, here’s an idea: how about a little trim around the eyes, so I can maybe FIND the goddamn rope toy. Trade me in for a puppy. Please. Chances are, I’ll end up in a more appreciative home. Asshole.

Barfing on your precious rug

Okay, let’s talk about food. This one really burns my ass. The cats, those furry fu*!&^$, get premium, wet, canned food every day. That shit is FULL of meat. I get this Wal-Mart, Sam’s Club, Purina knock-off, Moist & Meaty bullshit that isn’t all that moist and meaty. It’s what, 1% meat and 99% corn? And that shit is the better of the two types of food I get. Every other day I get some bland, rock-hard food specially made for seniors. You, master, have two cats and one dog, so, please, asswipe, explain to me why you spend over three times as much money on cat food? If I even as much as sniff the cat’s food, he’s all over my ass. Give me some decent food once in awhile and maybe I won’t have to barf it up. Sure, I could have barfed in the basement or on the hardwood floor, but, guess what asshole, I barfed on the rug on purpose.

The asshole gets one star. I’m out of here, beotch!

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10 Responses to “Biting the Hand That “Feeds” Me”

  1. LunarEuphoria September 8, 2010 at 6:43 pm #

    Too funny!!

    • fightn4it September 8, 2010 at 7:22 pm #

      Thank you!

  2. dyingbraincells September 8, 2010 at 6:44 pm #

    Too funny! Your blog is great! Glad I stumbled upon it!

    • fightn4it September 8, 2010 at 7:22 pm #

      Thanks!

  3. tmso September 8, 2010 at 10:23 pm #

    Next time, bite him! 😉

  4. Shinzon ( Nurse Wrachettes step son/dog) September 8, 2010 at 10:56 pm #

    Dear Sammie, First off I totaly agree with you on the food thing. Whats up with OldRoy, did that poor brother really eat this s***? The darn cat gets the premium stuff cause he’s old and stinks and his fur’s fallin out.
    We live in an apartment so pooping is a whole other ball of string. I have to really jump on his balls to get him to take me out, then he gets mad if I dont poop! But the da*m cat can poop two inches from his private toilet and doesnt get the screaming I do.
    I think we should unite in canine comaraderie and revolt against this tirany. Vomit on the bed! Poop right where they step when they get out of bed! And hide puddles of pee on the carpet so their socks get all wet! Maybe they will get a clue. But NEVER wish for the doggie jail, never! I have been there man, those other dogs will shank you as soon as look at ya! If you screw up there they give you the hose, and not in a good way! Once they put me in with a pit bull, not a good thing. Stay cool my brotha! Write soon if you can!

    • fightn4it September 9, 2010 at 6:19 am #

      lol!

  5. 4eternalsunshine September 9, 2010 at 7:14 am #

    Old Roy wtf? It might be time to “move on” Sammie…

  6. Aimee September 10, 2010 at 9:51 am #

    Keiths sister in law taught her yorkie to ring a bell hanging on the door to go out..its the funniest thing i have seen…it rings it…waits for lisa…rings it again..no lisa so it goes nuts for a min ringing it over and over..right out and back in…works everytime.
    Someone called the cops on Gunther last night. He was barking before it got dark…shame on a barkin dog…there were only about 9 kids playing in the yard..geesh Carter is going to take him and train him to be less of a monster..its best. i hate to see him go…but carter will give him back! Doubt mom lets me take him there..lol JOKE!

    • fightn4it September 10, 2010 at 5:08 pm #

      That’s a good idea with the bell. I saw your post about the cops. How long will it take him to train Gunther?

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