Peanut Butter & Jelly Sandwiches All Up in Here

27 Aug

Yes, this is a monumental day. Note the date: August 27, 2010. During this lifetime where I have also consumed hog testicles and frog legs, this afternoon I will be eating my five thousandth peanut butter & jelly sandwich. Thank you. Thank you. I know, I know. I’m awesome. You  CANNOT fail to realize the importance of this. Please, bow down.

If you don’t like Barney (the purple dinosaur) or peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, don’t click here.

Okay, get up.

If not for lifelong maintenance of my peanut butter and jelly journal, this feat would have gone unnoticed in the annals of human history. But I have the details right here in this tattered, sticky, blue, one-subject,  wide-ruled notebook. This notebook will one day be in a museum under glass. So while we still have access let me open it up here and see if I can find some interesting bits of trivia.

When I say jelly from here on, I’m lumping together all jams, jellies, preserves, and fruit spreads.

  • Jelly soaked completely through the bread in 358  of my sandwiches, most of which were prepared hours before they were eaten, as in elementary school lunches.
  • I cried while eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich 74 times.
  • I vomitted before finishing 2 sandwiches. Sorry, that’s gross.
  • I found a hair in 24 sandwiches, but still ate them all. Gross again.
  • I threw four partial sandwiches out of anger. Two of those were tossed at another person (one connected, the other fell apart in mid-air and made a hell of a mess). The other two were thrown into the street. I’m proud to note that I have not thrown a sandwich since 1999, capping a rough decade, for all four sandwiches were thrown between 1992 and 1999.
  • I aggressively devoured 4 sandwiches in the midst of domestic arguments, almost choking to death on two of them. Miraculously, the mess left on my face defused the spats in each case.
  • I accidentatlly dropped thirteen sandwiches. Strangely, all were made with strawberry jam. I went on to eat ten of those. The other three were dropped in the following unfortunate situations and, sadly, rendered inedible: one on the bathroom floor, one outside in the grass about three feet from a pile of dog poop (I probably could’ve eaten that one, but…no), and one on the floorboard  of a dirty car. I tried to dust that last one off, but then tossed it out the window. I dropped many other sandwiches that managed to stay on a table, chair, my chest, or lap. I didn’t count those.
  • I was eating a peanut and butter sandwich when Bartman interfered with that fly ball in game 6 of the 2003 NLCS. I finished a peanut butter and jelly sandwich one batter before Kerry Wood hit a  three-run home run in game 7.
  • I added chocolate chips to 134 sandwiches, pecans to 61, whole peanuts to 35, and almonds to 29.
  • I ate 4,383 sandwiches in a circle beginning with the crust and continuing round and round, always maintaining the most perfect circle possible, until left with the absolute center, which is, of course, is the most scrumptious part of the entire sandwich.
  • I have eaten two and a half peanut butter and jelly sandwiches in a single day as recently as last week.
  • Finally, I shoved three peanut butter and jelly sandwiches down my pants out of boredom. Again…the 90s.


3 Responses to “Peanut Butter & Jelly Sandwiches All Up in Here”

  1. anniemaggiemay August 27, 2010 at 10:58 am #

    Love this post – I’m off to make a PBJ sandwich now!

    • fightn4it August 27, 2010 at 2:32 pm #

      Thanks. Hope you enjoyed it!


  1. Peanut Butter & Jelly Sandwiches All Up in Here « plum bananas < Read what Young Americans Read - August 27, 2010

    […] Read the original here: Peanut Butter & Jelly Sandwiches All Up in Here « plum bananas […]

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