A Review of That Guy’s Toes

23 Aug
1 out of 5 stars

It’s a beautiful Monday morning. The sky is a clear blue. The kids are safely in school and I’m sipping crème brûlée coffee in an uncrowded café. Classical music completes the mood.  Everything is–oh, wait, what the hell–there’s a kid across from me–he looks like a college kid, a scroungy one–with his shoes off, legs resting on the chair opposite him. I have to sit up straighter to see over my laptop to see where his shoes are. Ok, he has slid out of his brown flip-flops and has gotten rather comfy over there. I guess there’s nothing wrong with that as long as his feet are clean and skunkodor-free. I don’t smell anything from way over here.

Shed I will build with my feet

I will build this with my feet.

Should you ever be allowed to take your shoes off in place that serves food? In most places I would say no, but this place is different. It’s laid back. The crowd leans toward eccentric. Also, the tables near him are empty. Good for you, dude. Me? No way. I would not take my shoes off and call attention to my odd toes. So before I rant about this kid’s feet, I feel I should say that I have long monkey toes. I can pick up a 2 X 4 with the toes from a single foot. I’ve never tried it, but I think I could build a small structure, like a shed, with my feet.

Now that I’m feeling self-conscious about my feet, I will turn my attention to college boy’s crooked, hairy toes. If I can see patches of hair from across the room, without my glasses, it means it’s time for a trim. Are my eyes screwing with me or are his toe hairs starting to climb the nearby brick wall? Yep, the hairs are picking at the loose mortar. This is fixable and not really a long-term concern, granted he finds a good pair of sheers.

Sadly, there’s nothing he can do to fix the zigzag nature of the toe bones under his skin. They’re like craggly twigs who grew east for a spell, then, succumbing to indecision, headed west, then east again, with no chance to retreat and start over.
Ugly Toes


He loses one star for toe hair, one star for excessive toe length, one star for toe crookedness, and one star for the dirty look he just shot my way for staring at his feet. He’s a decent-looking guy, I guess. He seems to be in good enough shape, not overweight, but if he’s looking to hook up with a young co-ed, he might want to think of breaking out the Gold Toes and shipping his flip-flops back home to mommy and daddy.

3 Responses to “A Review of That Guy’s Toes”

  1. 4eternalsunshine August 24, 2010 at 7:54 am #

    o-m-g! That photo is so disgusting!

    • fightn4it August 24, 2010 at 11:06 am #

      Well, you know, with the kids and the yard and my rock band, I haven’t had time to properly take care of my little piggies.

      • 4eternalsunshine August 24, 2010 at 8:20 pm #

        Oh, well I thought your roadies & groupies were supposed to take care of those kinds of things for you..

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