I’ve had it up to here with my gray shorts

5 Aug
My evil gray shorts

My Evil Gray Shorts

What is life all about? One could get all philosophical with that question, obviously, but, really, life is made up of the mundane. We stub our toes, work, wash dishes, hug our kids, lose our keys, eat, sleep, play, fall down some steps (or is it just me who does this regularly?), and hundreds of other things, day after day. On Monday I just wanted to find my gray shorts, the pair I occasionally sleep in, because deep within a pocket lived some important numbers I had scribbled on a white Post-it note. Mundane. Boring.

I don’t know where these shorts came from, but they’re thin and cheaply constructed. I don’t wear them to The Y because I don’t like how they look on me and it’s possible that a seam will bust while I’m working on my massive muscles. After a set of curls, I’ll strut in front of the mirror to check out my huge biceps, and I’ll notice that I’m not wearing any pants. Believe me, stuff like that happens to me. (Don’t believe the part about my massive muscles, though–totally false)

I’m sure I picked these shorts up because they have pockets. I detest pocket-less shorts. When I walk around the house in my boxers, I have been known to carry up to two items at a time in my waistband after mentally noting to search online for underwear with a utility pocket. Anyway, though the gray shorts have pockets, I can never find them easily. If I’m trying to do two things at once and one of those things is trying to get something from my pocket, my hand will root around at my hip forever like a blind puppy (the one who’s a teensy bit dumber than his siblings) trying to find a nipple. Usually, the shorts are all twisted and the pocket is on my butt. Even on straight, the pockets are a mystery.

When I pick up any other pair of pants, I know straight away how to climb into them. Zippers, snaps, and drawstrings go in front. The tag goes in the back. When I pick up these gray shorts, it’s like picking up a raw, unaltered piece of fabric. There’s no tag, I can’t find the pockets, there’s no drawstring , so I stand there fussing with them. When they sense that enough frustration has built they shape-shift into something resembling shorts and I finally find a leg hole.

Anyway, you can see where this little story is going (man against shorts), so let’s get back to it. On Monday, after looking down to make sure I wasn’t already wearing the gray shorts, I went to find them. I looked upstairs. I looked on the main floor. I found them in the basement on the drying rack. They hadn’t been recently washed or even wet, so I have no idea how they got there. I picked them up with my left hand and my right hand went to task digging for a pocket. The shorts moved this way and that and slowly spun around as I fondled and poked around for twenty seconds.

After half a minute, you (being smarter than me) would probably switch tactics, and this occurred to me, but I was determined to conquer this obstinate garment. On it went. Then, as a final insult, my right hand wrestled the shorts from my left and they fell to the floor. In a fit of frustration I kicked them against the wall where they came to rest as shown in the photo. They look innocent enough, don’t they? Don’t be fooled.

Finally, I beat my shorts in this little game by crouching down and overwhelming the dang things with two hands like I was fighting a squirrel. I found my mangled Post-it note. I left the shorts there to think about its future in the Goodwill box.

Yep, that’s what life is all about. Daily struggles. Sometimes you win; sometimes you lose. And sometimes you fall down some steps…twice…in one day. Life is great.


2 Responses to “I’ve had it up to here with my gray shorts”

  1. Male Nurse and More August 5, 2010 at 10:18 am #

    So much of your stories hit home, fun to read.

    • imoustacheyou August 7, 2010 at 11:46 am #

      Hi! I saw your blog on global dashboard thingymajiggy.
      I really was itching to say: youre funny!
      And I really like the blog!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: