Farting: A Victim’s Perspective (Part 1 of 3)

22 Jul

I would flushed those.

Today, in the first of a three part series of “in your face” journalism, I’m writing about that smelly poof of air that shoots out of your ass about 14 times a day. Not my ass, your ass. Why not my ass? Because, today, I’m he who smelt it, not the one who dealt it. As far as you know, I am a a fart-free man living a fart-free life. And, frankly, I’m just not out to embarrass myself today.

But you? Pshaw. You have farted in my kitchen, in my base–wait, I need to make this clear. By “you” I just mean “not me,” so I could be talking about the guy who delivered our washing machine last month, my daughter, the dog, a neighbor, anyone…but me. I’m not naming names here, but you have farted in my bedroom, in my garage, on my arm, right next to me in the grocery store, on the bus, and even in the elevator (What’s wrong with you?). Your over-active, gaseous ass embarrasses me not.

I want to write about your flatulence because, well, you won’t. Nobody will. I want to read about it because it’s a common human experience and it’s sometimes hilarious. Wherever you are on this great planet, from Pecker’s Point, Newfoundland to Maggies’s Nipples, Wyoming, you’re farting. You probably just slipped one out in the past 10 minutes while checking Facebook (but nobody puts that in their status updates).

I search the internet and see that people are writing about wars, famine, the environment, blah, blah-blah, blah, blah. Farting? There’s just nothing new coming out. I found an excellent site titled “Facts on Farts,” but it hasn’t been updated in over ten years. Ten! Although I will be referencing this site, a lot has changed in the past decade. What about the decline of the American diet? There’s a direct relationship there between–Oh well, screw it. Let’s move on.

Oh, goody, it’s time for a…

Flatulence Education Break

Why do farts make noise?

The sounds are produced by vibrations of your anal opening. Sounds depend on the velocity of expulsion of your gas and the tightness of the sphincter muscles of your anus. Contrary to popular misconception, fart noise is not generated by the flapping of your butt cheeks.

What makes farts stink?

The odor of your farts comes from small amounts of hydrogen sulfide gas and skatole in the mixture. These compounds contain sulfur. The more sulfur-rich your diet, the more sulfides and skatole will be produced by the bacteria in your guts, and the more your farts will stink. Foods such as cauliflower, eggs and meat are notorious for producing smelly farts, whereas beans produce large amounts of not particularly stinky farts.

Brought to you by Facts on Farts.

* * *

Though I gave up farting in 1997 at the age of 25, I farted plenty of times before then. As a child, I flushed at least 5 pairs of white Fruit of the Looms down the toilet after a fart had its tippy-toe over the line towards something more serious. Okay, it was more than a tippy-toe; I was straddling the line, okay? Geesh. Anyway, I don’t know if this happened once a year from the age of  6 to 10 or all at once in a particularly dirty summer. What I do know, though, is that I was obviously more concerned with hiding my stinky pants than with the series of pipes and tubing that ran under and through our house and neighborhood.

I was aware that my cotton deposits could cause some big problems.  Each time I cast out a pair of stained tighty whities I remember holding my breath as I pushed the lever down, praying that it didn’t clog the damn toilet. What would I do then? I didn’t even know where the plunger-thingy was. Even if I did, what would I do with it? For all I knew, the key to successful plunging was found in the mysterious tank. I just went for it (plumbing be damned). My underwear would swirl  with the water, drop, then teasingly pause at the exit hole, peeking out at my horrified face before disappearing to, well, I had not a freakin’ clue (note: my 2010 plumbing knowledge = my 1981 plumbing knowledge).

Then for days I would be a paranoid mess, checking the water level in the toilet every hour, listening through the door for toilet trouble when mom or dad would flush, and watching for approaching heavy machinery in the neighborhood. I knew–and I can’t stress that word enough, knew–that, eventually, an army of plumbers would be digging around in our backyard with big, yellow trucks. I knew that I would be off playing baseball or something in a neighbor’s yard and I would hear a triumphant whoop and then “Boss, I found it!” I would come running and see the head plumber talking to my parents holding a dirty pair of boy’s underwear on a stick. My mom would be bent over trying to inspect the tag without touching the nasty things.

Luckily none of that happened. I was never caught.

Until now.

Check back for part 2 .


9 Responses to “Farting: A Victim’s Perspective (Part 1 of 3)”

  1. lunargirl July 30, 2010 at 1:26 pm #

    Okay. You got me. That is the MOST hysterical thing and I needed a good laugh today!

    You sir, rock!


    • fightn4it July 30, 2010 at 8:52 pm #

      Thanks so much!

  2. honjii July 30, 2010 at 7:09 pm #

    Damn you’re funny. Thanks for the laughs.

  3. Ronnie6676 July 31, 2010 at 12:35 am #

    Oh my goodness…I am still laughing as I type. I may just have to still this idea and write about farting from a girls perspective. Oh geez this is funny funny funny. Thanks I soo needed this 🙂

    • Ally August 1, 2010 at 2:06 pm #

      thank you. you are my hero of the day.

  4. succedanea August 1, 2010 at 2:33 pm #

    this was the best thing I’ve ever read in my life, luckily it doesn’t pertain to me, because I’m a girl.

  5. tmso August 1, 2010 at 3:13 pm #

    Brilliant. 😀


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