I Will Pee in Your Closet

17 Jul
Boy peeing in closet

Our family of four lived with one toilet for the first 15 years of my life. One day as a child–I don’t remember if I was 8, maybe as old as 10–I had to pee. Then I REALLY had to pee. My dad, known for marathon stints in the bathroom, was in my way again. I hollered and cried through the door for him to hurry up.

Since this type of transgression happened just the one time in my entire childhood, I guess my urge was stronger than ever on this particular day (3 Cokes anyone?) for I retreated to my bedroom (had I not learned the pleasures of urinating in the great outdoors?), pulled it out in my closet, and whizzed into a small cardboard box of toys.

If I would have been thinking clearly, I would have whizzed in my sister’s closet. I didn’t care much for her toys as she was (and still is!) 7 years younger. I’m sure she was in her room playing with dolls or whatever she did in there and would have hassled me about being in her closet. Even if I had discreetly urinated in her closet, I just know something would have gone wrong.  Alas, I whizzed on my own toys, toys I evidently enjoyed for they were front and center; crappy toys are stuffed to back of the closet.

As it turned out, it didn’t matter about my sister tattling on me because mom came up behind me before I finished soaking my toys. She wasn’t known for barging into my bedroom checking on me all the time, so my theory is that when I stopped harassing dad to get his ass out of the bathroom and turned for my bedroom, she saw my intentions scribbled on my face. She was good like that. My second guess is that she heard a wild hissing sound and, of course, knew that I didn’t have a garden hose or a sink in my bedroom, so she came to see what the hell I was doing.

Needless to say, mom wasn’t happy and I got in trouble, but the worst part of it was that she told dad.

On most days we went to grandma and grandpa’s house where dad’s brothers and sisters also gathered. For months–no, it was YEARS–after the incident if I didn’t do what dad told me–like get him a beer–or if I was giving him a hard time about something, he would silently mouth the word “closet” to me. He got his beer or his way every time.

As an adult I realize that his behavior was kind of mean, something I would never do to my own kids. I was terrified of him telling the closet-pissing story to everyone and he knew it.

One day, I don’t know how many years later, on Christmas I think, he mouthed the word “closet” and I realized that I didn’t care anymore. In a crowd of aunts, uncles, and cousins I sneered and told him that I didn’t care, go ahead and tell them. He didn’t and never threatened it again.

Moral of the story: always pee on your sister’s toys if given the option.


3 Responses to “I Will Pee in Your Closet”

  1. mom July 18, 2010 at 8:41 pm #

    I don’t remember catching you doing it…I’m thinking for some reason I was moving stuff around in there and it was wet! Cuz’ I remembered thinking “why is this wet???” Then as I looked at you and the look on your face I figured it out….AND I never knew your dad did that to you or it would have stopped IMMEDIATELY! You should have told a story on HIM!

    • fightn4it July 19, 2010 at 11:38 am #

      Ha. That’s funny, we remember it differently.

  2. Aimee Christer July 22, 2010 at 12:23 pm #

    thats mean..just mean.

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