Mel Gibson Helps Elderly Woman Cross Street, Then Kills Her

15 Jul

Los Angeles, CA — Mel Gibson is in trouble again. This time it’s murder. Early Thursday morning, the disgraced actor helped an elderly woman cross a busy intersection before verbally assaulting her for not blowing him first. Connie Fratoli, 83, died at the scene from what police are calling blunt force trauma to her sense of human decency. Officials expect Gibson, 54, to be charged with the seldom-used fourth-degree murder, which roughly means unintentionally killing someone with your craziness.

According to witnesses, Fratoli was trying to cross 3rd Ave. with a bag of apples when Gibson, who seemed to be in a cheery mood, took her by the elbow and guided her to the opposite side.

Local resident Burt Bandicamp saw the entire episode. “I crossed with them and I thought  ‘Maybe this guy isn’t so bad,’ because, you know, I heard the tapes but then he just exploded.”

A second witness captured the audio. What follows is a partial transcript of the incident.

MG: What are you gonna pay me back? (heaving panting.) It’s over now. F*ck you. How dare you act like such a b*tch when I’ve been so f*cking nice.

CF: Whha? I’m–

MG: I did nothing but be nice to you. I helped you cross the f*cking street. Don’t you dare (word unclear) You and your f*cking apples. I helped you cross the street and you didn’t bl*w me! I deserve to be bl*wn first before we cross the f*cking street!  (word unclear) How dare you! How f*cking dare you! (Heavy panting then a scream.)

CF: I’m sorry, I–


According to Bandicamp Gibson’s appearance was as severe as his words. “His eyes were crazy, man, and his face was almost purple, his fists clenched, arms rigid. He was, like, going through a combination of trying to give birth to a 17 pound baby out his ass and passing a huge f*cking kidney stone at the same time. People were standing there, watching, but we didn’t know what to do. I think everyone was scared.”

At some point Fratoli seemed to weaken and appeared to be ready to go down. But Gibson wasn’t finished.

MG: You look like a fucking bitch in heat. And if you get raped by a pack of n—–s it’ll be your fault, all right?

CF: Whha?

MG: (Panting) You make me want to smoke. You f*ck my day up. You care about yourself when I have been so f*cking good to you. You’re f*cking trying to destroy me. You’re apples can bl*w me!

CF: My ap…why are–

MG: Shut the fuck up! You should just f*cking smile and bl******w me! Because I deserve it. I’ll bury you in a rose garden, you c*nt!

The “c” word seemed to be the final blow as Connie Fratoli fell in a heap, her apples scattering. On the tape you can hear the crowd growing angry, tossing disgusting insults at Gibson.

Unidentified man: Hey buddy, you’ve sucked since “Lethal Weapon 2.”

Unidentified woman: Your voice RUINED “Chicken Run.”

As Gibson fled the scene he allegedly stopped to rescue a scared puppy–then drop-kicked it onto a local Burger King roof.


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