Public Restroom Pelvic Thrusts

5 Jul

As I’m writing it’s Monday morning, 6:40 a.m., I just biked from my workout and I’m in a cafe sipping black coffee (2/3 dark roast, 1/3 hazelnut) with the new laptop (A Samsung R480, love the keyboard so far), a new portable thesaurus, and a new portable dictionary. I just stuck my nose in the dictionary, fanned the pages and inhaled deeply–nothing better than the smell of a new book. This computer doesn’t smell too shabby either.

I have the trailer hooked to the bike today because we’re all out of cherries. This time of year, it’s unthinkable to wake up in a cherry-less house, but yet today I did. I also need rolled oats, sweet potatoes, whole wheat pasta, Ezekiel bread, and bananas. I’m slouched in a booth, relaxed and ready for a new week.

I think I’m the only patron in here. Cool. I’m sitting next to a floor to ceiling window and friendly gray birds are hopping right up to me, pecking in the mulch. Do they know how close they are to a human? Maybe the little dudes know all about glass and walls. They’re safe with me anyway.

As you can gather from the first three paragraphs, this short essay is about how people behave in front of public restroom mirrors. If you didn’t gather as much then there’s really no hope for you.

I hadn’t given this much thought until last week when, in a moment of self-awareness, I caught myself doing pelvic thrusts in front of the mirror in this same establishment. Until that moment–I paused in mid-thrust to ponder–I had always taken for granted that all people do silly things in front public restroom mirrors.

Though I caught myself during a particular series of pelvic thrusts, I have to admit that the thrusts were merely one facet of a more-involved disco routine–think Robert Hays in Airplane, not John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever. These rather extreme restroom moves have emerged only this Spring and it may have something to do with the amount of coffee I drink in here combined with low restroom traffic between 6 and 8.

Robert Hays in Airplane

I know it’s more common to examine our heads as we’re washing our hands (I hope to God you wash your hands). We pucker our lips, look up our noses, raise our eyebrows, turn to the right, turn to the left, inspect our tongues, adjust our hair and, of course, we make sure there’s nothing green poking from our teeth. I see guys doing these things. I do some of these things. But it’s what these guys are doing alone in there that interests me.

Spinach stuck in teeth

We do not want this

Hold on, I’m going to the restroom right now…

* * * *

Okay, I’m back. As soon as I stood up, my mind sort of left this topic and it was like any other trip on any other day from my booth to the restroom, but then 3 minutes later as I approached the sink it clicked that I was entering the realm of what I had just spent an hour thinking and writing about, and I gotta say I went full-out hog-wild in there. I just know I invented some new stuff, some good stuff. I’m really floored right now and I’m having a difficult time gathering my thoughts…wow


Okay, my new public restroom efforts have rendered this whole piece obsolete–I feel I’ve just reinvented the wheel. Oh well…until I write Part II, this will have to do.

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