Bicycle Ass Padders

3 Jul

Eighty percent of bicycles on local bike paths are straddled by men wearing ridiculously tight shorts and equally tight shirts plastered with bold, hideous designs. They wear the most aerodynamic helmets and their asses are padded to the hilt because of their tiny, uncomfortable bike seats. One spandexed guy past his forties who works out early in the morning at the YMCA demonstrates how what looks ridiculous on a bike looks even worse off the bike. His ass pad hangs down against the back of his thighs and gently rocks when he walks around the place, scaring the hell out of the old ladies.

This author is 15 years.

Me in 2025?

If you are this type of cyclist, I hate you–just kidding, just kidding. In the last two years, I have become a huge fan of the bicycle and somewhat of an advocate (I got that little bike symbol tattooed on my stomach today), so I love seeing people riding bikes no matter what they’re wearing. Ride a bike in a chicken suit if you want as long as you’re on a bike.

Last summer, I came this close to buying padded bicycle shorts. I pulled a pair of size small Pearl Izumi tights from the rack, held them up to my body, walked around, held them up again–I couldn’t pull the trigger, but I had a good grip on it. Then a fellow male walked in wearing pretty much the exact same shorts I had in my hand. I looked him up and down and then put that shit back on the rack lickety-split.

The bike path ass-padders seem to be riding for fun, sport, and fitness–all, of course, noble purposes. They sometimes strap their feather-lite bikes to the back of their vehicles, drive to the bike path, peddle fast and go far, and then end up back at their vehicles. During their cycling trips they sometimes ride in packs with friends and seem to be competing and trying to determine who has the biggest, um–thigh muscles.

My thigh muscles are puny sticks. My skin tight, padded, cycling shorts would have to be created by a skilled fabrician (one who works artfully with fabric) with two cans of cannelini beans as thigh models to get them to fit half-decent, without embarrassing saggage–if I may create two new words in a single sentence.

Anyway, I’m more of a loner utility biker; I use either of my two bikes to get from point A to point B. I’m riding to replace car trips. I like to have a destination, maybe even something to pick-up and haul home (this morning it was about 4 pounds of cherries). I rarely ride on the bike paths, instead preferring the streets. I try to stay off of the sidewalks because the ride is rougher and they’re generally meant for pedestrians anyway.

My type of cycling still involves fun and fitness, of course, but I’m not training for a race or trying to beat any speed records. I’m also wearing boxer shorts or ladies panties depending on my mood (just kidding, really). I wear cargo shorts or, if I have been, or will be going, to the YMCA, comfortable, baggy, knee-length exercise shorts. I wear t-shirts. Sometimes I wear a helmet, sometimes not. My seat is generously wide and padded. I repeat–the padding is on my seat, not on my ass.

I’m on a bike because it uses no gas and doesn’t pollute the air with fumes and noise. It’s recreation AND transportation. It’s utilitarian cycling and, let me tell you, it’s rare around here. Off of the bike paths, cars rule, bikes drool. I’m considered a nuisance on the roads because cagers (car drivers) are in a big toot to get home (or away from home).

Some day, I might join the ass-padder club. Right now, though, I’m happy being that annoying, lone biker in your way in the road pulling a trailer full of cherries.

One Response to “Bicycle Ass Padders”

  1. elefunksoup August 2, 2010 at 4:52 am #

    It’s great to read about Americans actually doing exercise!(Just kidding). But it’s sad to hear cyclists slagging off at other cyclists. I never thought I’d wear cycling knicks (their proper name) either, but guess what, they’re more comfortable, dry quicker (sweat and rain) and unlike other shorts, your don’t get the crutch caught on your bike saddle when you get on and off. I bet your wear swimmers to the pool (or whatever Americans call them), sneakers to play sport, etc, so why not more appropriate clothes for cycling? Give them a go before your dismiss them.

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