My Vitamin D Levels are Rockin’

28 Jun

Are you getting enough vitamin D? If you’re like most Americans, you could stand to gain an extra shot or two. Apparently, vitamin D helps your body absorb calcium, so it’s pretty important. Vitamin D is produced by the skin when exposed to sunlight. For most people, this is not a problem in the summer when we’re squeezing our fat asses into swimwear or into our acid-washed cut-off jeans. Your sweaty, hairy-backed neighbor may even be producing some vitamin D right now while mowing the lawn shirtless. Look out your window.

In the cold months, we put away our swimwear (to our horror, next summer we will realize that we need new swimwear because of the weight we’ll gain from October to June (this obesity epidemic is a bitch) and buy ourselves new, long pants and some long-sleeve shirts. Unfortunately, our body’s vitamin D production will plummet.

Man demonstrating Chrome Domer Funnel (patent pending)

Man demonstrating Chrome Domer Funnel (patent pending)

That’s why I’m so glad that I’ve been losing my hair since 1992. Yep, each winter since President H.W. Bush vomited in the lap of Japanese Prime Minister Kiichi Miyazawa, my November to April vitamin D absorption levels have increased and I feel great. As long as I’m walking upright, the bald spot on the top of my head absorbs concentrated amounts of sunlight and produces large amounts of vitamin D. Luckily for me, scientists have debunked the myth that we lose most body heat through our heads, so I can go hatless in comfort while maximizing my vitamin d gain.

When the temperature dips below zero degrees Fahrenheit, I dig out my customized ski-mask. The mask–I call it a cue ball koozie–has an ingenious feature: a bald spot-sized hole cut from the top to fit over the crown of my head.

We’ve all suffered through an extended period of cold, sunless winter days. After a stretch like this, when I start to feel depressed (probably because of low vitamin d levels), I attach a cone-shaped “chrome-domer” to funnel the glorious rays to my little vitamin d garden. In a single day of running errands I can make up for all of those lost days of vitamin d production.

The benefits of my winter vitamin d intake overshadow the only drawback, which is an inverse decline in my self-esteem levels. Even though I hate myself just a teeny-weeny bit more each year and it’s getting a little bit harder to look in a mirror, my body is overflowing with vitamin d–and not just in the summer like those other guys with thick, all-over hair.

One Response to “My Vitamin D Levels are Rockin’”

  1. Nando Sugawa August 1, 2010 at 12:06 pm #

    I just found out your blog that is very interesting to read for me though.
    Nice to know you then.


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