Tag Archives: Life

The Freedom to Ignore My Stupid Grass

18 May

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Two ideas slammed against each other in my brain yesterday, almost causing a stroke.

Freedom and lawn care. The former I love; latter, hate.

Our grass grows exactly two feet per hour so I’m constantly fighting and cussing it. I asked myself how this baloney got started. Google, oh master, tell me why Americans are obsessed with perfectly manicured lawns.

I found this disturbing piece of text (I kind of knew this, but have never read it) about what our culture says about scraggly, unkempt lawns. They’re referring to two films in particular: Edward Scissorhands and Pleasantville.

It is implied that a neighbor, whose lawn is not in pristine condition, is morally corrupt, emphasizing the role a well-kept lawn plays in neighborly and community relationships. In both of these films, green space surrounding a house in the suburbs becomes an indicator of moral integrity as well as of social and gender norms as lawn care has long been associated with men.

I feel, resent, and succumb to this insidious pressure. I have three forces moving against me, propelling me to keep our grass at a reasonable height: societal pressure, local ordinances, and a wife. I do not cut the grass because I enjoy it or because I particularly care about having a beautiful lawn.

Jennifer and I share the duties, but when she’s wielding the trimmer, or other lawn device, I feel a bit uncomfortable because society has told me from birth that lawn care is a man’s job, which is, of course, bullshit. 

So, yes, lawn maintenance limits my freedom and lowers my overall quality of life. I would love to destroy our turf in favor of an organic neighborhood garden, an entirely edible landscape. This would be the sustainable, sensible path, but it’s not acceptable in our culture to destroy perfectly good grass at such a grand a scale.

Instead, if a suburban homeowner creates a garden at all, it’s a small rectangle, preferably out of sight from the road. If a bare spot inexplicably appears in a man’s lawn, he soon will throw seed and straw over it–in effect, “repairing” it. A lawn not completely covered with turf is a broken, imperfect lawn.

I was heartened to read this:

The economic recession that began in 2008 has resulted in many communities worldwide to dig up their lawns and plant fruit and vegetable gardens. This has the potential to greatly change cultural values attached to the lawn, as they are increasingly viewed as environmentally and economically unviable in the modern context.

And then sad to read this:

Lawn maintenance often uses inorganic fertilizers, synthetic pesticidesherbicides, and fungicides, which can harm the environment. The United States Environmental Protection Agency has estimated nearly 70,000,000 pounds of active pesticide ingredients are used on suburban lawns each year in the United States. It has also been estimated that more herbicides are applied per acre of lawn than are used by most farmers to grow industrial crops.

Last summer I used a gas mower, which, environmentally, blows. This season we gave it to someone else so they can pollute, officially putting to end–forever!–to my involvement in gas-powered lawn maintenance. Instead, I would like to rely solely on our engine-less reel mower, while Jennifer is pushing to buy a corded, electric mower. The problem with an electric mower is that I would surely mow over the cord within ten minutes of  its virgin run through our lawn.

We’ll see how it goes.

Why I Might Store Summer Squash in my Butt <–best title ever!

15 May

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If I could bottle a day I would pick this past Monday. The weather was perfect and I felt fit, productive, and content. The only thing missing was a head first dip into a tub of melted chocolate. Cooled off, of course.

All kinds of good stuff happened. I dug a small garden and planted four tomato plants and two pepper plants. I pedaled down the heart of Glen Carbon, from Enterprise to Panera, without being squashed by a truck. I even avoided two common, negative occurrences: cutting my finger with our sharpest kitchen knife and having my nose pierced by our puppy’s razor teeth.

In the evening with my trike and trailer I hauled home a bag of soil, four zucchini plants, a pineapple sage plant, and some other obscure herb I can’t think of. We’re already members of a food co-op, so I’m sure we’re going to have zucchinis falling out of our asses this summer. (It’s much more comfortable than when they’re going in. I’m kidding and it’s a small miracle I allowed this joke to stay in because, well, “that’s not right,” which is something I hear people saying quite often.)

The problem with my good days is that they’re usually followed by days of spectacular crapiness, just a shit-storm of crap. I’m totally open to follow great days with medium quality days if The Universe is open to that. What do you think? Universe?

If I ever experience two almost-perfect days in a row, I’ll probably fill my pants with moist zucchini muffins from the shock. And we all know what that feels like, don’t we?

But seriously, I know that happiness is, like, a choice or something. At least that’s what I’ve read. If a cat barfs on my keyboard, I can choose to smile and laugh. If I crash my bike into a bush and emerge with a dog turd stuck to my cheek, I can choose to smile and laugh.

So . . . our assignment for today: to smile and laugh (even when you don’t feel like it).

You might be a Tech Addict if

14 May

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Yesterday I overheard this in Panera between two guys just a little older than me:

Guy 1: I think I’m going to stop at Best Buy; I don’t have an iPhone yet.

Guy 2: uh-oh.

I hope to God that Guy 2′s “uh-oh” was meant to be sarcastic. Of course, the interesting part of this snippet is the “yet,” like it’s inevitable or somehow shameful to be walking around without an Apple product.

So I typed “smart phone addiction” into The Google and found some interesting articles, like this one, that pretty much confirmed that’s it’s a legitimate phenomenon.

Don’t worry, I don’t feel at all superior for not having a smart phone. I had one and it was cool at first, but then it became a constant interruption to whatever I was doing. Ultimately, I decided it was unhealthy for my sanity, which is a fragile thing anyway. It’s impossible to be “in the moment” with a smart phone in my hand or in my pocket (or in the waist band of my underwear for those crazy morning when I forget my pants).

From now on I’m done calling my phone “dumb.” The benefits are pretty special: It’s small, sturdy and fits into useful crevices; it stays charged for, like, ever; and it’s costing me a mere $7 a month. Smart, indeed.

I’ve also cut down on the time spent online in general. A part of that has to do with the emergence of beautiful weather after a long sucky winter, but after the Boston Marathon bullshit I realized I was spending way too much time reading news.

The epiphany was delivered by God (juuuust kidding) when the kid was captured in the boat. I was in bed on my tablet hopping from Twitter to Google news for updates like some kind of addict trying to score some smack. As soon as they caught the mo-fo, it hit me: what the hell am I doing? I thought This has nothing to do with my life. If anything, it’s depressing. Ever since I’ve pretty much opted out of being a well-informed citizen. I hear stuff on NPR throughout the day, but I’ve freed up some precious time cutting all the crap.

And less time online means less time on Facebook. I’m not anti-Facebook. Actually it’s too fascinating, too much for my pea brain to disentangle from.

Peace, ya’ll!

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The Adventures of Biking a Cat to the Vet

12 May

(Before I get into what happened last week, I’m going to get heavy and serious for a few words. Hang with it.)

Yeah! We’re winning! We’re winning!

We’re kicking ass in emissions from burning fossil fuels. The following is in billions of metric tons of carbon dioxide.

USA 95.4  (gold)
Russia 38.9 (silver)
China 33.9 (bronze)
Japan 24.4
Germany 22.7
UK 20.1
India 9.7
France 9.4

I’m not a scientist. But I do read. Here’s what’s going on in the atmosphere:

the concentration of climate-warming carbon dioxide in the atmosphere has passed the milestone level of 400 parts per million (ppm).

Here’s an excellent column from the same publication on this milestone.

Here’s why I care about this: I have two young daughters who might well have their own children. Their children might have children. And on and on. My life philosophy is based on fear that something horrible will happen to my descendants due to how we’re living today and how humans in the western world have been living since the industrial revolution.

I’m pretty sure I’ll be dead before the real terror begins, but I have a good imagination and I already love my great, great, great grand kids.

That’s part of the reason Ainsley and I used bicycles to take our big cat, Trouble, to the vet last week. We hooked the flatbed trailer to my recumbent trike, strapped a giant storage container to the trailer, and then lowered the cat crate into the bin and set off for Edwardsville Pet Hospital.

After he received his shots and we forked out $92, we had an unexpected adventure outside when we noticed a little black boy in ill-fitting clothes walking down the sidewalk, unattended. He was heading towards busy-as-hell Buchanan Street, so we pedaled over to follow him.

My heart pounded as he reached Buchanan and turned the corner around a building out of our sight. When we reached the corner he was approaching a particularly dangerous area where people drive too fast and where they enter and exit a busy little shopping center. I yelled at him to stop and, amazingly, he did. I motioned him over away from the road into the landscaping.

Where’s your mommy or daddy? 

Mom left.

Did you leave your house without telling anyone?

Yes.

Where are you going?

To find John.

How old are you?

Three.

What’s your name?

It’s all right.

I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you. What’s your name again?

It’s all right.

Either he was telling me it was okay that he was wandering around downtown Edwardsville by himself or I didn’t understand what he was saying.

A truck pulled into the parking lot.  They had seen him walking alone too. A woman asked him the same questions. We learned his house was green.

We called the police.

We pedaled away shortly after they showed up and were stopped twice on our way home by concerned citizens in the neighborhood: a group of old men sitting outside at a donut shop who had watched the police arrive and then a cosmetology student around the corner who had heard a rumor of a missing child.

This was not a fun experience, but it made me think about our involvement and how it would have differed if we had driven our cat to the vet like normal people.

Would we have noticed the boy walking down the sidewalk? If so, would I have followed? Would we have been stopped to get the scoop afterwards? The answer to all three could be no, sadly.

Automobiles keep us sealed away from the real heartbeat of the community. We’re going too fast to notice much of what’s going on. We fly by all kinds of interesting and important things.

So, sure, we didn’t add to the pollution that day, but it turned out to be another example–it happens over and over–to confirm that there’s something special about exploring our community on bicycles, outside of the cage, at a comparable snail’s pace.

Note: I assume the police quickly figured out where the little boy lived, but I have a sinking feeling that there’s some less-than-optimal care and nurturing going on inside those walls.

How Many Pairs of Shoes do I Need? I Guess Seven!

1 May

Well, isn’t this sad: millions of people around the world have no shoes.

I stumbled upon this article this morning that says U.S. Americans have an average of 19 pairs of shoes. That’s 27 for women and 12 for men. If you click on that link and scroll down you will see that several people posted a photo of all their shoes, which, to me, is, like, the most fascinating thing in the world. And I don’t even have a foot fetish. 

For someone like me who’s always jabbering about the topic of “stuff,” you’d think I’d have less than seven pairs. This post will either justify all seven or show me that I can drop one or two. They’re in order from shoes I love down to shoes I want to strangle.

Saucony trail running shoes

Where I got them: This Spring at Goodwill for $8. Why I keep them: They fit perfect and they’re in like-new condition. They’re extremely versatile (cycling, running on all surfaces, walking the dogs) Why I might get rid of them: They’re not so versatile that I can wear them with jeans. Still, I’ll have these for a long time.

Vivo Barefoot “minimalist” running shoes

Where I got them: I bought them online a couple of years ago through The Clymb. Why I keep them: They’re the only shoes I’ve received compliments on since I rocked bright orange Converse high tops in Junior High. They’re comfortable, easy on/off, and multifunctional. They’re cool enough to wear with jeans. Why I might get rid of them: They beginning to show some wear. If my toes bust through I’ll have to retire them.

Crocs, Dark Blue

Where I got them: I bought them in 2012 at Goodwill for $8. Why I keep them: Comfortable. Light. Utilitarian. They’re my all-season house shoe, but I can also wear them for the quick bike trip to the library or around town. Why I might get rid of them: No chance.

Crocs, Stealthy, Brown

Where I got them: I bought them at Goodwill this Spring, again for $8. Why I keep them: I just bought them, so it’s too soon to jettison them; that would make me sad. They’re a stealthier version of my blue Crocs so I feel better about wearing them in public. Why I might get rid of them: If I find a good pair of shoes that I can wear with jeans, they could be cut from the team. The fabric on top make them less water resistant than regular Crocs.

Muck Boots

Where I got them: I bought them online over five years ago. Why I keep them: I want to spend more time outdoors; outdoors gets messy and moist. So these waterproof shoes will keep my other shoes clean. They also serve as my winter boots. Why I might get rid of them: I have used my old Crocs (below) for wet, dirty, warm weather activities. They’re not very comfortable. Still, I don’t want to buy snow boots, so I can’t see myself getting rid of them.

Crocs, Brown & Dirty

Where I got them: I think from Amazon several years ago. Why I keep them: Super comfortable! They were demoted to mowing shoes two years ago and they serve very well in that role, saving my other shoes from grass stains. Why I might get rid of them: They’re tread-less and stained, slick and potentially dangerous. I could mow in the mucks.

Dress Shoes

Where I got them: I bought them at–guess!–Goodwill for $8. Why I keep them: I can’t find a business that rents dress shoes. I don’t live close enough to anyone with size 9 or 9.5 feet with a well-stocked closet. They’re Kenneth Cole shoes, so they seem to be well-made and should last awhile. Finally, I’m not brave enough to be the freak wearing Crocs to weddings, funerals and dressy events. Why I might get rid of them: I only wear them once or twice a year. They’re uncomfortable. Jennifer’s father lives 70 miles away, but he’s in town often. We have similar feet. If he could take them off my hands, I could borrow them when I need them. Besides, I’ve never have been called on to wear dress shoes on short notice.

I want to look good naked

13 Mar

Sure, exercise could extend my life, fight off depression and all kinds of other positive things, but I exercise for the same reason you do: to look good naked. And that’s not easy to do at 41.

American Beauty is one of my favorite movies. What? I’m insane? I wouldn’t know a good movie if it crawled up my what?  Just watch the clip or at least read the dialogue.

Lester Burnhan: I figured you guys might be able to give me some pointers. I need to shape up. Fast.

Jim Olmeyer: Are you just looking to lose weight, or do you want increased strength and flexibility as well?

Lester Burnham: I want to look good naked.

I’ve been attending an hour-long YMCA class appropriately called “Boot Camp.” It’s clear I’m not in the best shape of my life, but it feels like I’ve found the proper motivation to hold me to a proper, enduring exercise routine, something I struggle with during the cold months.

The best thing about Boot Camp is that I can’t lie down and take a nap after ten minutes, which is what I’d do at home if I planned my own sixty minute exercise routine. In the group class we have a fit instructor guiding us, urging us to “push it.” We feed off of each other’s energy and determination. We smell (and slip) on each other’s sweat and tears. We motivate each other.

I have none of that at home. It’s hard to find motivation at home when you have couches and cookies and computers and books and pillows everywhere. If I’m sweating at home, give me some heavy blankets and drugs because I have the goddam flu. And if there’s someone in my house shouting instructions, that just means my wife’s home from work.

“Scrub that floor! Come on now, don’t stop! I know you can do it. Push it! Push it!”

Does One Guy Need Ten Plaid Shirts?

8 Mar

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As 2013 arrived my closet held ten long sleeve, buttoned shirts, including a yellow one I bought in Kohl’s over three years ago. It’s certainly the only yellow shirt I’ve ever purchased and probably the last. It was not a smart buy because I wore it, like, three times.

I held onto it longer than I wanted because of what I paid for it, which was probably over $20. That’s not a lot of money for a shirt unless you’re someone like me who prefers to shop in thrift shops. So instead of pleasing me, the stupid thing produced guilt–just a tiny bit–when I saw it hanging there day after day begging me to slip into it.

Yellow Shirt: Hey Mike, why don’t you wear me today?

Me: Oh. Um, well, I was thinking about wearing my gray sweater today.

Yellow Shirt: You never wear me. Why’d you even buy me? You must be shitty with money.

Me: Well, for one reason, you fit like a medium, but your tag says “small.”

Yellow Shirt: So why don’t you give me to someone who’ll wear and appreciate me?

Me: Fine, I’ll donate you to Goodwill.

It’s so much easier when your stuff asks to be donated. So that shirt’s now gone, along with seven others who also asked to leave. I’m left with two such shirts, pictured above. Love is too strong a word (for me) to use referring to clothing, so–I really like these two shirts.

When I’m on auto-pilot, I don’t see a closet full of waste. I see a collection that needs to be added to. It’s this whole process of mindfully evaluating each item that kicked me in the nuts and made me see that I didn’t need so many freaking plaid shirts. I know, it’s weird, but that moment of realization gave me a thrill, as did yanking the eight shirts from their hangers and throwing them onto the “outgoing” pile of fluff.

And now those eight discarded shirts are available to fellow thrifters at Goodwill for a couple of bucks apiece. Who knows, that yellow shirt might become someone’s favorite shirt this week.

Also pictured above is sort of a rain coat for my head–a cap that sheds water instead of absorbing it. It’s for warm weather jogs in the rain. But now that I sit here thinking about it (auto-pilot=off), I realize I rarely wear the stupid thing and will probably get rid of it. Forget I brought it up, okay?

(Can I somehow recover the dough I’ve spent on things I didn’t need?)

But one can hardly live without at least one belt, right? I have one brown and one black. Jennifer bought them at Goodwill in late 2012.

(If you’re new here and wondering what the hell the following numbers are for, go here or check out the minimalism category.)

32. Shirt (bright blue, long sleeve, buttons)

33. Shirt (dull blue, long sleeve, buttons)

34. Belt (brown)

35. Belt (black)

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It’s distressing for me to have a complete suit hanging in my closet, but people tend to marry and die, forcing me to yank it out and slip it on from time to time. I have two neckties and they’re both in the photo, but I’m donating the maroon one you can barely see.

36. Shirt (dress, gray striped)

37. Suit jacket

38. Necktie (purple)

39. Pants (suit pants)

I Grew up with a Door Hole and Lived to Tell About It

4 Mar

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In the early ’80s I remember lying on my bedroom floor simulating epic battles between my Star Wars action figures. Luke Skywalker was the ultimate warrior; he didn’t need a light saber to beat the heck out of Darth Vader. I loved my bedroom because all my stuff was in there, and because I could close the door to the world, inviting sweet privacy.

Of course, I couldn’t lock–or even latch!–my door; I didn’t have a door knob. Instead, I grew up with a door hole, which partly explains why I’m such a damaged adult. But I thought it was normal. For years I assumed it was illegal for kids’ bedrooms to have door knobs.

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Eventually I figured out that my dad had a long list of things to do ahead of “Give son door knob,” one of which was “Drink one thousand beers and take one thousand naps before even thinking of giving son door knob.”

But my door hole wasn’t an issue until I walked home from school one day to find a baby in our house. That baby was my sister who quickly grew into a mobile, tenacious little thing whose main mission was pushing into my room, which, of course, wasn’t hard because door holes are notoriously inept at stopping babies.

“Dad, you know, this would be the perfect time for a door knob.”

He would pull out his list and show me that “Mike’s door knob” was right there at #237.

My only defense was to stack my heaviest possessions in front of the door. But, when determined enough, she would turn into Bamm-Bamm Rubble from The Flintstones. I wouldn’t have been surprised by her ripping the door from the hinges.

Even mighty Skywalker was helpless, turned from a butt-kicking beast into a Jedi Popsicle; I’m sure she would have chewed his head completely off if given enough time.

Now, when my kids are giving me a hard time I point to their door and say “You don’t know how lucky you have it; I grew up with a door hole!”

A Random Act of Kindness for People Who Hate Change

27 Feb

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I hurt myself while performing a good deed this morning. Oh, stop crying–I’m okay. I didn’t mean “seriously” hurt. It’s just your average bump-your-leg kind of deal. Jeez.

Here’s some background:

An elderly couple in our neighborhood receives two daily ANALOG, finger-staining newspapers. Each morning I walk the dogs by their house and notice the papers in the most random spots. I’ll see the newspaper in the blue plastic way over there and the newspaper in pink plastic way over there. (I’m pointing to the opposite end of the yard.) The next day they could be switched. It leaves me wondering if monkeys are delivering the news in my neighborhood.

It would be nice if the two newspapers were always nestled together to be scooped up in one creaky elderly motion. The yard slopes severely towards the road, and the four legs in that house must be shot all to hell at this point. One day I’m afraid I’ll find one of them lying face first on the sidewalk in a puddle of blood.

But once in awhile–today, for example–the paper is within my reach. As the dogs urinated on a pile of dirty snow, I leaned over their little retaining wall and reeeeached–almost got it!–and cracked my goddam shin. With clenched teeth I straightened and flung the paper 15 feet towards the house. The paper somersaulted four times and landed with a thunk right up against the other paper. I really wanted to do some fist pumps and pretend I hit the game winner against the Heat, but my leg hurt.

As I finished my walk (with a slight limp), I couldn’t help thinking that if they were my parents I would buy them tablets and digital subscriptions. Then I would train them how to use them. I would say something like this:

Okay guys, I know you’re old and you hate change but this is 2013–you’re the last ones left receiving “paper” news, so I got you tablet computers. When you wake up the news is waiting for you. You just turn it on! No more going outside to hunt for your newspapers. And look–see there!–you can make the words as big as you need ‘em for your failing eyes.

Then they would thank me and hug me for an hour and I would leave and they would never cancel their home delivery and they would use their iPad minis as coasters.

And then their thoughtful, clumsy neighbor would continue to kill himself trying to be kind.

A Thorn in my Arm is but one of the Thorns in my Arm

20 Feb

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If you ask a hundred Americans to name their favorite flower, eighty-five will say the rose. The remaining fifteen won’t hear you because they’re texting or playing games on their phones. No, seriously, I’m not sure about those fifteen people, but I would guess that they were somehow involved in the rose production process, which includes watering, weed removal, pruning, and wringing blood from socks caused by multiple, severe thorn injuries.

I worked with roses for three summers in a greenhouse the size of six Walmart Supercenters. A greenhouse–you probably didn’t know this–is a glass structure where humans are baked for eight hours a day at exactly 325°.

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Gertrude “A rose is a rose is a rose” Stein

On this most fragrant of flowers, Gertrude Stein nailed its essence when she penned “A rose is a rose is a rose.”

Wait, what?

Let’s forget about Gertrude for a moment because the glam metal band Poison said it much better in their 1988 Billboard Hot 100 #1 hit power ballad “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” when they whined “Eeeeevery rooose has its thoorn.” I remember it well because radio stations packed away their OTHER songs to dedicate a solid three months to this ode to faded love.

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Radio DJ: And that was Poison singing their hit song “Every Rose Has its Thorn.” Next, we’re going to shake things up a bit; we’re going to play Poison’s hit song “Every Rose Has its Thorn.”

But as I think about it, Poison didn’t know a thing about this popular woody perennial of the genus Rosa of the family Rosaceae. I mean, did they really believe every rose has just one thorn? Idiots! From experience I know that one rose stem brandishes no less than nine hundred thorns, which were all embedded into my skin on any given day.

Still, you’re probably thinking how wonderful it would be to work in such a beautiful, sweet-smelling environment, like your ultra-thoughtful partner is surprising you with roses all day every day. I have just one word for you: shut up! Two words- whatever. Who is this “Gertrude Stein” anyway and what did she know about greenhouses? Nothing!

Gertrude Stein, if working with me during the summer of 1990: “A rose is a rose is a rape of my nose.”

Sure, in my first hour of hard labor I thought “Wow, it’s so pretty in here and it smells so awesome!” By lunch it was “Roses are the stupidest woody perennial in the world and they smell like a pile of decomposing rats!”

Today, after putting so much thought into this matter, I have decided to sue Illinois Roses Ltd. for stealing my ability to enjoy the rose flower. Forget that it was over twenty years ago, that every sliver of glass is now gone, that Illinois Roses Ltd. is no more. The crime on my nose is too large to ignore for even one more decade.

Before that summer I enjoyed–no, I really, really loved–sticking my schnoz into the midst of soft rose petals and inhaling with all my sniffing strength, occasionally ingesting a petal or two. What I did NOT do was duct tape a dozen roses to my face and wear them around all day. I took one good sniff and moved on, like any sane person would.

Sadly, I can’t even surprise my wife with a fistful of daisies because it reminds me of how much I hate roses. So you see, the damage is widespread and very . . . damaging. And I’m going to do something about it.

But first I’m going to listen to that one-thorned Poison song because it really is a nice tune.

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