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You might be a Tech Addict if

14 May

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Yesterday I overheard this in Panera between two guys just a little older than me:

Guy 1: I think I’m going to stop at Best Buy; I don’t have an iPhone yet.

Guy 2: uh-oh.

I hope to God that Guy 2′s “uh-oh” was meant to be sarcastic. Of course, the interesting part of this snippet is the “yet,” like it’s inevitable or somehow shameful to be walking around without an Apple product.

So I typed “smart phone addiction” into The Google and found some interesting articles, like this one, that pretty much confirmed that’s it’s a legitimate phenomenon.

Don’t worry, I don’t feel at all superior for not having a smart phone. I had one and it was cool at first, but then it became a constant interruption to whatever I was doing. Ultimately, I decided it was unhealthy for my sanity, which is a fragile thing anyway. It’s impossible to be “in the moment” with a smart phone in my hand or in my pocket (or in the waist band of my underwear for those crazy morning when I forget my pants).

From now on I’m done calling my phone “dumb.” The benefits are pretty special: It’s small, sturdy and fits into useful crevices; it stays charged for, like, ever; and it’s costing me a mere $7 a month. Smart, indeed.

I’ve also cut down on the time spent online in general. A part of that has to do with the emergence of beautiful weather after a long sucky winter, but after the Boston Marathon bullshit I realized I was spending way too much time reading news.

The epiphany was delivered by God (juuuust kidding) when the kid was captured in the boat. I was in bed on my tablet hopping from Twitter to Google news for updates like some kind of addict trying to score some smack. As soon as they caught the mo-fo, it hit me: what the hell am I doing? I thought This has nothing to do with my life. If anything, it’s depressing. Ever since I’ve pretty much opted out of being a well-informed citizen. I hear stuff on NPR throughout the day, but I’ve freed up some precious time cutting all the crap.

And less time online means less time on Facebook. I’m not anti-Facebook. Actually it’s too fascinating, too much for my pea brain to disentangle from.

Peace, ya’ll!

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Five Important Updates You Cannot Pass up

29 Apr

Depression Update

I’ve recovered from a three or four week period (I lose track) of unexplained depression. I’ve given up trying to figure out why it hits me so suddenly and leaves the same way. It’s such a wicked affliction that when it hits, I don’t think “Oh crap, here’s depression!” It’s more like “I feel worthless today.” Then the next day it’s “I still feel like a piece of garbage today.” It takes ten days to get it: I’m having a legitimate depressive episode. I feel for those who have it worse.

Hedge Trimmer Update

Despite receiving no help from readers, I scored a minor victory over clutter and over-consumption when we returned the hedge trimmer to Home Depot this weekend.

Shopping Update

Depression is tied up into shopping. If I feel like crap, I can go to Target and feel better for an hour, especially if I walk out with something other than food, like a pair of shorts of a Bluetooth speaker. During certain periods of 2011 and 2012 I participated in some of this “retail therapy.”

Now, blue moods or not, I’m trying to avoid purchasing anything at retail, relying on Craigslist and thrift shops for legitimate needs. But some things are hard to find. I’ve been thinking about somehow acquiring a pair of well-made, fast-drying shorts in a neutral color with at least one zippered pocket that will practically LIVE on my skinny ass for the rest of the warm season.

Pretty much giving up on used, I’ve been looking online (REI, Campmor, Patagonia) at shorts that cost at least $60, but yesterday in Goodwill I hit the goddam jackpot, finding–for $2!–a pair of, tan Columbia shorts in my size with two zippered pockets, a hidden key pocket inside the waistband, and a built-in liner that will negate the chance that I’ll be wearing underwear this summer. If I try to articulate how happy this paragraph makes me, I’ll wee my pants and get booted from Panera.

Underwear Update

Without underwear, I will be a little bit lighter and nimbler, allowing faster sprinting, biking, and tree-climbing. I will be quicker in and out of the shower and I will spend less time doing laundry. Along with my awesome and über-comfy Lululemon liner-sporting running shorts I don’t see myself wearing under until October. (I don’t think I’m cool–maybe a bit lame, even–for owning something from this ridiculously expensive company, but I am thrilled with the quality of these shorts. In their stores, the men’s department is the size of a phone booth. Okay, maybe more like 8 phone booths put together in a 2 x 4 grid.)

My five pairs of boxers will have the summer off for a frolicking vacation or something. I might ship them off to The Keys. Then again, down there it’s quite easy to get caught up in the dangerous world of drug smuggling. Hmm, I’ll have to think about that.

Stuff Update

I created a new page up above next to ABOUT so I can keep track of all my stuff. And now I’m going to add 17 items to the inventory, sadly, without photographs.

  • Sweatshirt (gray, hooded, zipped)
  • Sweatshirt (blue, hooded, zipped)
  • Sweatshirt (brown, hooded, zipped)
  • Pants (workout, black, Adidas)
  • Pants (sleep, gray)
  • Pants (workout, gray)
  • Pants (jeans, blue)
  • Pants (blue)
  • Pants (thermal)
  • Pants (Cuddl Duds)
  • Shorts (tan, Columbia)
  • Shoes (trail running, Saucony)
  • Shoes (running, Vivo Barefoot)
  • Shoes (Crocs, brown)
  • Shoes (Crocs, brown, old & worn, for mowing)
  • Shoes (Crocs, blue)
  • Shoes (Muck Boots)

I want to look good naked

13 Mar

Sure, exercise could extend my life, fight off depression and all kinds of other positive things, but I exercise for the same reason you do: to look good naked. And that’s not easy to do at 41.

American Beauty is one of my favorite movies. What? I’m insane? I wouldn’t know a good movie if it crawled up my what?  Just watch the clip or at least read the dialogue.

Lester Burnhan: I figured you guys might be able to give me some pointers. I need to shape up. Fast.

Jim Olmeyer: Are you just looking to lose weight, or do you want increased strength and flexibility as well?

Lester Burnham: I want to look good naked.

I’ve been attending an hour-long YMCA class appropriately called “Boot Camp.” It’s clear I’m not in the best shape of my life, but it feels like I’ve found the proper motivation to hold me to a proper, enduring exercise routine, something I struggle with during the cold months.

The best thing about Boot Camp is that I can’t lie down and take a nap after ten minutes, which is what I’d do at home if I planned my own sixty minute exercise routine. In the group class we have a fit instructor guiding us, urging us to “push it.” We feed off of each other’s energy and determination. We smell (and slip) on each other’s sweat and tears. We motivate each other.

I have none of that at home. It’s hard to find motivation at home when you have couches and cookies and computers and books and pillows everywhere. If I’m sweating at home, give me some heavy blankets and drugs because I have the goddam flu. And if there’s someone in my house shouting instructions, that just means my wife’s home from work.

“Scrub that floor! Come on now, don’t stop! I know you can do it. Push it! Push it!”

The Death of Clifford + More Crap

22 Feb

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This Clifford bowl has been around for at least ten years, but yesterday I found a giant, fatal crack on the bottom. I thought it was the kind of bowl (hard plastic) that would last forever, surviving multiple drops. I showed it to each of the girls, took a picture of it and then tossed it.

I took the photo because I’m interested in the constant flow of things into and out of our lives. The bowl left us, but the blurry earrings in the photo came into our lives along with a yellow sweater, a ring, two over-sized pencils, and a coloring book.

We also spent $41 at Goodwill on a decorative mirror, a shirt for Jennifer, and a stack of shirts for Chloe, who has inexplicably grown out of everything in her closet except for the Snuggie Grandma bought at a garage sale two years ago.

I used”we” in the sentence above about the decorative mirror, but, of course, Jennifer was responsible for that acquisition. She told me it matched the curtains in the family room and asked what I thought about buying it for nine bucks. I shrugged and tried to recall the living room curtains. Obviously, that’s her department.

But to coincide with this inflow of stuff, Jennifer filled a box with clothes to get rid off, so overall we ditched more than we added.

Now, more of MY crap. I photographed six pair of shorts, but I have since ditched the plain light gray pair second from the front. You can barely see the black pair on the bottom. In the warm months I live in these for comfort, exercise, sleep, and biking.

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19. Running shorts (Lululemon – gray with black and purple)

20. Shorts (Target – royal blue, white stripes)

21. Shorts (Nike from Kohls years ago – gray and navy blue)

21. Shorts (Champion - maroon)

23. Shorts (Target – black)

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24. Second pair of eyeglasses – I keep these in my bag. I’m wearing them now. They’re my “main floor” glasses at home.

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25. Laptop

26. Mouse

27. Adjustable, folding table

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28. Timbuktu Messenger Bag

29. Backpack (small – blue & gray)

30. Swiss Gear backpack (large – blue & gray)

31. Duffel Bag (camo – not pictured)

Don’t Judge my Boxers Until You’ve Walked a Mile in them

5 Feb

If you haven’t been following along (shame on you), I’m thinning the stuff in my life and publishing embarrassing photos of myself and my junk. I listed the first five items the other day. One of the reasons for this nonsense might be that the well of writing topics has completely dried up. How else can I explain why I’m photographing and inventorying MY UNDERWEAR. You’d think I’d have something to say about immigration reform or gun control . . . anything.

Hey, screw it, I’m gonna roll with this.

I guess I’m writing about it because I’m fascinated by what other people keep. When we were looking to move to Edwardsville, we walked through dozens of homes. Jennifer looked at the overall layout, the size of the rooms and all that practical stuff; I was peering into closets and mentally calculating the cubic tons of junk that was stored in basements and garages.

Jennifer: So, what’d you think about that tiny kitchen?

Me: Did you see how much shit they had in their basement?

Jennifer: Yeah, but what about the kitchen?

Me: Yeah, I noticed the pantry was loaded with pudding and jello.

And the hoarding shows on TV . . . oh my god, I can’t watch a single episode without craving 100 more. So I don’t watch at all.

A minimalist is the opposite of a hoarder. I’m waiting for a show about minimalists. Do you know why that’ll never happen? Because you won’t find seven decomposing cats in the layers of trash in the garage.

* * *

Here’s an article about a scientific study about the stuff people keep. Watch the video and check out the book.

* * *

Today, the fifth day of February, is, officially, across the nation, Count Your Underwear Day. My new favorite holiday.

First, I want you to know that I could totally live without underwear. 

I’m out there, Jerry, and I’m LOVIN’ EVERY MINUTE OF IT.” 

Okay, let’s get this over with.

Boxers

6. Boxer Shorts (yellow with black bikes)

7. Boxer Shorts (black with white skulls)

8. Boxer Shorts (gray with baseball players)

9. Boxer Shorts (black with Tiki Gods)

10. Boxer Shorts (white with thin black lines)

Four were purchased on clearance from either Target or Old Navy; the fifth was a Christmas gift.

Next time we might count and inventory my socks, so make sure you sign up for e-mail alerts. It would be a crime if I were to write about my socks without you knowing.

Why I Don’t Have a Smartphone

31 Jan

Okay, I do have a smartphone, but, despite daily e-mails from Virgin Mobile, I have not renewed my service in months. On a good day, my LG Optimus V is dumber than most smartphones, but now it’s a complete idiot. It’s my morning alarm. That’s it. It doesn’t leave my bedside table. I can imagine it there now all lonely and pissed off at me. It’s a fine phone and I love the $35 plan that includes unlimited data and text with 300 talk minutes. I just tired of paying the bill.

Right now I’m phone-less in Sacred Grounds. Some of you are on the floor now with your tongue hanging out because you can’t imagine venturing over ten feet from your phone. I haven’t reached that point yet and I’ve caught hell for not being available when Jennifer calls.

But that doesn’t happen as often anymore because I bought a cheap Tracfone that costs a whopping $7 a month (I forgot it today) and I use Google Voice (free) which lets me receive and send SMS text messages (and even make calls I believe) from my tablet and laptop. I now give out my Google number instead of my cell phone number. So, for instance, when Chloe’s orthodontist calls to confirm an appointment, I have it set up to ring all of our cell phones and computers. If I don’t answer I can read the voice-mail transcript on my computers either in the GV app or in my G-mail. One of the worst things in the world is having to access my cell’s voice-mail system. The days of me pressing 7 to delete a message are over.

So why no smartphone? I wouldn’t call myself cheap, but I am frugal. And don’t tell me frugal is just another word for cheap; I just looked it up and there’s a clear difference. I don’t recycle belly button lint to knit hats.

“Yo mamma so cheap she can’t even “pay” attention!”

Our first step to save money on phone service happened 10 years ago when we chose not to hook up a land-line. According to census information we were the first family in the United States to cut the cord. Kidding.

At one point last year we were paying Virgin Mobile $105 a month for three cell phones, which, to me, is ridiculously high. Now it’s $77 and Chloe pays $16 of that, so that leaves us with a monthly outlay of $51. Sometimes Jennifer opts for the $45 plan and jacks the cost up to $61.

Sure, we could afford iPhones with unlimited data plans, but we’re trying to separate wants from needs. Like with our automobiles. It was convenient to have two cars in the driveway, but we’ve been operating with one for months now without a problem, saving tons of money and getting more exercise.

Aside from the money, I know I would become one of THOSE people. Those people are on their phone and their little kid is telling them something and mommy’s not paying attention. “Mommy . . . Mommy . . . Mommy!” (Of course daddies are guilty too.) It bugs the shit out of me to see that and I see it ALL the time. I want to grab the phone and shove it up their ass. And I’m not above phone addiction. If I had a Galaxy Note 2 I would be doing the same damn thing and I would deserve to have it shoved up my ass. And that would totally suck because the Note comes with a stylus and has a 5.5 inch screen.

Ouch.

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My First 5 Possessions

25 Jan

I’m thrusting my stuff onto the world in sets of five beginning with cold weather gear.

Around the house, I’ve uncovered a disturbing number of hooded sweatshirts, jackets and coats. I have five hooded sweatshirts: blue, brown, dark gray, and two light gray. I have two rain jackets, a heavy coat, two wind breakers, a soft shell jacket and another thin work out jacket. Obviously I have work to do. Who needs twelve coats and jackets? Jeez. Here are five items I’m keeping for sure.

1. Champion brand coat from Target - This warm, waterproof, two-tone gray coat cost me $20 on the clearance rack at Target last winter. I bragged on this bargain for three full days.

2. The North Face knit cap – This is three years old from Sports Authority. Again, gray. Again, clearance.  

3. Heavy gloves – They’re marketed as ski gloves, but the last time I snow skied–in the early ’90s–I almost broke my neck. So I call them my “holy hell it’s cold out” gloves. I  bought them at Target, full price, at least three years ago. On my bike, they keep my hands warm in any temperature.

4. Buff -  It’s what’s on my face. It’s the cold weather accessory I somehow lived without until Christmas of 2011. If I don’t wear it while I’m walking the dogs my face gets cold and I get pissy. When i get pissy I kick the dogs. When I kick the dogs people notice. When people notice they call the police. Gotta wear my Buff.

5. Champion soft shell jacket – This red and gray coat is windproof and fends off rain. Again, I bought it at Target

Yes, I love Target. We both have Target debit cards. Every time we use them, which is every time we shop at Target, they automatically take 5% off the total. I used to shop at Walmart too, but we began a protest in November. Target is not in the news every week because they’re a socially conscious corporation. Walmart, over and over, chooses to do the wrong thing. Sure, the prices are low, but it’s because they ruthlessly screw everyone, including their own employees.

Picture time! You know how I love to look at myself in the mirror, how I enjoy snapping photos of myself. Here is a ridiculous photo of myself wearing my coat, Buff, and cap, moments before walking the dogs around the block. I also took one with me wearing mean eyes. Here are my bright eyes.

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And just for the heck of it, here’s Chloe with the vegan muffins she had just baked.

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The Stuff in my Life

23 Jan

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Well, I’m counting my possessions again. I wasn’t going to, but that was because I had too much to count; now I don’t. If you’re wondering why the hell anyone would want to do such a thing, click on the above link or read all about this “movement” called minimalism. In as few words as possible, for me, it’s taking a stand against rampant consumerism, one thing that’s messing up the planet. If you’re skeptical about going to the extreme of counting your stuff, I get it. In a way, it’s totally pointless for me to do this because I live with three other people. I live with their crap too.

The kids want to keep every scribbled on piece of paper and every little rock they pick up. Last May, Chloe packed away a big box of her 6th grade work. I’m all for keeping the best of the best, but a big box for each grade? No way. Maybe I’ll get rid of the 6th grade box when she packs up a new box this Spring.

And Jennifer just took over one of my closet drawers. An ongoing concern is that as my junk recedes, she’ll fill the void–erase my gains–with that insidious need some of us have to fill in the empty gaps of our lives.

But still it feels good. Feels light. Liberating. Over the years my neurotic obsession with blank journals and notebooks of all sizes had manifested itself on a cheap snap-together shelf to the left of my office computer. This was the closest thing in my life you could call a collection. I’m not a collector, obviously, so I jettisoned several of the notebooks regardless of where they came from or how new they were. My rate of acquisition has been greater than the speed in which I would fill the pages. Like I said, liberating as hell.

This “challenge” will force me to examine every single item in my life. Another example: I’m not into jewelry, but I’ve had this thumb ring in my life for years. I would look at it once in awhile. I’d move it around the house, not sure of the best place to keep it. I’d pick it up, slide it on each thumb–marvel at the way it fit one thumb perfectly and hung loosely from the other–and then I’d put it back down. This weekend, looking at it like a “minimalist,” I decided to get rid of it. It wasn’t adding a damn thing to my life, except a tiny amount of guilt for never using something I paid money for.

Even today (last example, I swear) I’m wearing a light brown pair of Old Navy pants that are going into the Goodwill pile tonight. I’ve never been big on brown pants. When I’m in my favorite blue jeans, I don’t think about my pants. When I’m wearing this brown pair, I’ll be busy with something else and I’ll glance down and think “Oh, I’m wearing brown pants today.”

The end result of all this will be living in a house that has barely a sign of a fourth person living in it. And I know, most people need–or think they need–to live with a certain amount of stuff to feel secure, to feel alive. I think it’s time to get past that nonsense. You’ll find no “man cave” in our basement with pennants and old trophies and other memorabilia lining shelves and walls. You’ll see no golf clubs, kayaks, guns, or deer heads. No high school letter jacket in the closet. No magazine stacks.

An incredibly cluttered "man cave"

An incredibly cluttered “man cave”

Life is simple these days. I have my family, my Kindle, my running shoes, my laptop, and my bicycles. My days are filled with reading, writing, thinking, learning, running, walking the dogs, pedaling, and experiencing the ups and downs of two growing girls. And food! I can’t omit food from this list, for I spend so much time buying, slicing, dicing, sorting, and on and on. The battle to get whole, natural foods into those girls is as important as anything else in this paragraph.

Oh, and I thought my old blog was gone, but it’s still hanging around here. My last post was April of 2009.

Eww, Your Clutter is Touching my Sleeve

17 Jan

Every few years I go on a mad purge of my personal possessions. In 2008 I even counted all my stuff and blogged about what I kept and what I got rid of. I trashed my blog, but I got the idea here: 100 Thing Challenge. Once I whittled my shit down to under one hundred items, I quit keeping track. Then, like a well-behaved U.S. consumer I resumed accumulating stuff at a dizzying pace. Until this winter.

What’s behind this bizarre anti-consumerist attitude?

  1. I don’t like to walk into a room and feel the need to say “What the hell? Look at all this shit in here. I’m not living in a Hoarders house!”
  2. I’m done standing before my closet and seeing shirts I never wear. I once owned over thirty t-shirts. I’m down to three (not counting workout shirts).
  3. I refuse to buy a bunch of shit just because we live in a big house. When we moved in May of 2010 it was horrifying to learn that we “needed” to double our furniture.
  4. mnmlist.com

I’ve donated a shitload of books to the library and hauled a dozen garbage bags stuffed with random clutter to Goodwill. I’ve sold shit on Craigslist and practically worn out Freecycle. It all would’ve made for a helluva yard sale.

And I have more to purge: our second TV and Blu-Ray player, two area rugs, a dresser, crib, two dry erase boards, old  magazines, a broken printer, old paint, a camcorder, a small dog cage, redundant kitchen gadgets, a screwed up lawn mower, and maybe a domestic pet or two.

Of course, with kids, it all falls apart. We’ve allowed them to hoard too many toys and it’s difficult to pry them from their surprisingly strong little hands. Once in awhile I brave the bowels of the “play room” to weed out the scribbled on papers, broken toys, random puzzles pieces, doll parts, and the occasional rock-hard dog turd under the bed.

I hate to say they’re spoiled, but THEY’RE FREAKING SPOILED! Okay, maybe not. I don’t know.

We have the extra space so I’m kinda okay with their stuff because Chloe is twelve and outgrowing most of it. Ainsley’s right behind her. Oh my god it’s making me sad to think of them growing up. When Chloe’s sixteen I’ll grab her hand, give it a tug, and say “Hey Chloe let’s go play with your American Girl dolls, huh? Want to? Want to?” She’ll roll her eyes at me and say into her phone “Is your dad a frickin’ weirdo like mine?”

I’m No Gandhi, But Come On People

8 Oct

“Be the change you wish to see in the world.”

That quote is often attributed to Gandhi. Maybe he didn’t say it. Either way, it’s permanently inked into my arm. This morning I realized that my daily dog walks in a nearby empty lot is a perfect example of how I try to “be the change.” This patch of grass is surrounded by condos on two sides, apartments on the third side, and some houses on the fourth.

This seemingly unclaimed rectangle of land is a dog shit minefield. Let’s pretend for a second that a dog’s booty-cake is an actual live landmine. If I blindfold four people and force them to cross this treacherous landscape, three will be blown to bits. That’s why I don’t step a single toe in there after dark.

I’m the only one who picks up shit here. So why do I bother when everyone else has apparently gotten together and decided it’d be awesome to see how much poop can pile up in one place? Well, because it starts with me; I want to “be the change” I wish to see in the dog shit minefield. And I know fellow dog walkers see me walking around with my little black, compostable poop bags. I wonder if they laugh. I wonder if they try to imagine themselves putting their fingers on turds with only thin plastic between.

Still, this isn’t the worst case of dog shit negligence I witness. I’ve hopped over gigantic piles of shit on sidewalks in downtown Edwardsville. Near restaurants! I don’t want to want to stoop to using an overused txt-speak expression, but OMG!

And also, AYFKM? (I thought I made this up, but Google set me straight. If you’re over 23, you may not know that AYFKM means “Are you fu*!ing kidding me?”) And that’s exactly what blitzes through my brain when I see dog turds on a busy sidewalk.

I’ve also jogged around piles of shit on the bike/running trails. Be the change you want to see in the world if you want that change to be worldwide disregard for human decency. How’s that for a inspiring tattoo? Or maybe: Be the ginormous pile of shit you wish to see in the world on the sidewalk. Words to live by.

Back to the field. It’s a perfect place for kids to congregate to play baseball or football or even to just hang out, like a small public park. I’m sure kids attempted this back in the 1980s.

“Okay, Timmy and Tommy, you’re on my team. Harry, did you bring–what the hell’s that smell? Billy, did you shit your pants again or did–Holy hell, I just stepped in a pile of dog shit.”

“Ah man, so did I.”

“Me too!”

“Dammit, so did I!”

“Let’s get out of here!”

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