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The Freedom to Ignore My Stupid Grass

18 May

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Two ideas slammed against each other in my brain yesterday, almost causing a stroke.

Freedom and lawn care. The former I love; latter, hate.

Our grass grows exactly two feet per hour so I’m constantly fighting and cussing it. I asked myself how this baloney got started. Google, oh master, tell me why Americans are obsessed with perfectly manicured lawns.

I found this disturbing piece of text (I kind of knew this, but have never read it) about what our culture says about scraggly, unkempt lawns. They’re referring to two films in particular: Edward Scissorhands and Pleasantville.

It is implied that a neighbor, whose lawn is not in pristine condition, is morally corrupt, emphasizing the role a well-kept lawn plays in neighborly and community relationships. In both of these films, green space surrounding a house in the suburbs becomes an indicator of moral integrity as well as of social and gender norms as lawn care has long been associated with men.

I feel, resent, and succumb to this insidious pressure. I have three forces moving against me, propelling me to keep our grass at a reasonable height: societal pressure, local ordinances, and a wife. I do not cut the grass because I enjoy it or because I particularly care about having a beautiful lawn.

Jennifer and I share the duties, but when she’s wielding the trimmer, or other lawn device, I feel a bit uncomfortable because society has told me from birth that lawn care is a man’s job, which is, of course, bullshit. 

So, yes, lawn maintenance limits my freedom and lowers my overall quality of life. I would love to destroy our turf in favor of an organic neighborhood garden, an entirely edible landscape. This would be the sustainable, sensible path, but it’s not acceptable in our culture to destroy perfectly good grass at such a grand a scale.

Instead, if a suburban homeowner creates a garden at all, it’s a small rectangle, preferably out of sight from the road. If a bare spot inexplicably appears in a man’s lawn, he soon will throw seed and straw over it–in effect, “repairing” it. A lawn not completely covered with turf is a broken, imperfect lawn.

I was heartened to read this:

The economic recession that began in 2008 has resulted in many communities worldwide to dig up their lawns and plant fruit and vegetable gardens. This has the potential to greatly change cultural values attached to the lawn, as they are increasingly viewed as environmentally and economically unviable in the modern context.

And then sad to read this:

Lawn maintenance often uses inorganic fertilizers, synthetic pesticidesherbicides, and fungicides, which can harm the environment. The United States Environmental Protection Agency has estimated nearly 70,000,000 pounds of active pesticide ingredients are used on suburban lawns each year in the United States. It has also been estimated that more herbicides are applied per acre of lawn than are used by most farmers to grow industrial crops.

Last summer I used a gas mower, which, environmentally, blows. This season we gave it to someone else so they can pollute, officially putting to end–forever!–to my involvement in gas-powered lawn maintenance. Instead, I would like to rely solely on our engine-less reel mower, while Jennifer is pushing to buy a corded, electric mower. The problem with an electric mower is that I would surely mow over the cord within ten minutes of  its virgin run through our lawn.

We’ll see how it goes.

You might be a Tech Addict if

14 May

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Yesterday I overheard this in Panera between two guys just a little older than me:

Guy 1: I think I’m going to stop at Best Buy; I don’t have an iPhone yet.

Guy 2: uh-oh.

I hope to God that Guy 2′s “uh-oh” was meant to be sarcastic. Of course, the interesting part of this snippet is the “yet,” like it’s inevitable or somehow shameful to be walking around without an Apple product.

So I typed “smart phone addiction” into The Google and found some interesting articles, like this one, that pretty much confirmed that’s it’s a legitimate phenomenon.

Don’t worry, I don’t feel at all superior for not having a smart phone. I had one and it was cool at first, but then it became a constant interruption to whatever I was doing. Ultimately, I decided it was unhealthy for my sanity, which is a fragile thing anyway. It’s impossible to be “in the moment” with a smart phone in my hand or in my pocket (or in the waist band of my underwear for those crazy morning when I forget my pants).

From now on I’m done calling my phone “dumb.” The benefits are pretty special: It’s small, sturdy and fits into useful crevices; it stays charged for, like, ever; and it’s costing me a mere $7 a month. Smart, indeed.

I’ve also cut down on the time spent online in general. A part of that has to do with the emergence of beautiful weather after a long sucky winter, but after the Boston Marathon bullshit I realized I was spending way too much time reading news.

The epiphany was delivered by God (juuuust kidding) when the kid was captured in the boat. I was in bed on my tablet hopping from Twitter to Google news for updates like some kind of addict trying to score some smack. As soon as they caught the mo-fo, it hit me: what the hell am I doing? I thought This has nothing to do with my life. If anything, it’s depressing. Ever since I’ve pretty much opted out of being a well-informed citizen. I hear stuff on NPR throughout the day, but I’ve freed up some precious time cutting all the crap.

And less time online means less time on Facebook. I’m not anti-Facebook. Actually it’s too fascinating, too much for my pea brain to disentangle from.

Peace, ya’ll!

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The Adventures of Biking a Cat to the Vet

12 May

(Before I get into what happened last week, I’m going to get heavy and serious for a few words. Hang with it.)

Yeah! We’re winning! We’re winning!

We’re kicking ass in emissions from burning fossil fuels. The following is in billions of metric tons of carbon dioxide.

USA 95.4  (gold)
Russia 38.9 (silver)
China 33.9 (bronze)
Japan 24.4
Germany 22.7
UK 20.1
India 9.7
France 9.4

I’m not a scientist. But I do read. Here’s what’s going on in the atmosphere:

the concentration of climate-warming carbon dioxide in the atmosphere has passed the milestone level of 400 parts per million (ppm).

Here’s an excellent column from the same publication on this milestone.

Here’s why I care about this: I have two young daughters who might well have their own children. Their children might have children. And on and on. My life philosophy is based on fear that something horrible will happen to my descendants due to how we’re living today and how humans in the western world have been living since the industrial revolution.

I’m pretty sure I’ll be dead before the real terror begins, but I have a good imagination and I already love my great, great, great grand kids.

That’s part of the reason Ainsley and I used bicycles to take our big cat, Trouble, to the vet last week. We hooked the flatbed trailer to my recumbent trike, strapped a giant storage container to the trailer, and then lowered the cat crate into the bin and set off for Edwardsville Pet Hospital.

After he received his shots and we forked out $92, we had an unexpected adventure outside when we noticed a little black boy in ill-fitting clothes walking down the sidewalk, unattended. He was heading towards busy-as-hell Buchanan Street, so we pedaled over to follow him.

My heart pounded as he reached Buchanan and turned the corner around a building out of our sight. When we reached the corner he was approaching a particularly dangerous area where people drive too fast and where they enter and exit a busy little shopping center. I yelled at him to stop and, amazingly, he did. I motioned him over away from the road into the landscaping.

Where’s your mommy or daddy? 

Mom left.

Did you leave your house without telling anyone?

Yes.

Where are you going?

To find John.

How old are you?

Three.

What’s your name?

It’s all right.

I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you. What’s your name again?

It’s all right.

Either he was telling me it was okay that he was wandering around downtown Edwardsville by himself or I didn’t understand what he was saying.

A truck pulled into the parking lot.  They had seen him walking alone too. A woman asked him the same questions. We learned his house was green.

We called the police.

We pedaled away shortly after they showed up and were stopped twice on our way home by concerned citizens in the neighborhood: a group of old men sitting outside at a donut shop who had watched the police arrive and then a cosmetology student around the corner who had heard a rumor of a missing child.

This was not a fun experience, but it made me think about our involvement and how it would have differed if we had driven our cat to the vet like normal people.

Would we have noticed the boy walking down the sidewalk? If so, would I have followed? Would we have been stopped to get the scoop afterwards? The answer to all three could be no, sadly.

Automobiles keep us sealed away from the real heartbeat of the community. We’re going too fast to notice much of what’s going on. We fly by all kinds of interesting and important things.

So, sure, we didn’t add to the pollution that day, but it turned out to be another example–it happens over and over–to confirm that there’s something special about exploring our community on bicycles, outside of the cage, at a comparable snail’s pace.

Note: I assume the police quickly figured out where the little boy lived, but I have a sinking feeling that there’s some less-than-optimal care and nurturing going on inside those walls.

Mini Rant on the Three R’s

11 May

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Out of 350 students, our little Ainsley was chosen to represent LeClaire Elementary Thursday morning at the 16th Annual Earth Flag Celebration Assembly held at SIUE.

Previously, we received a letter from her principal declaring Ainsley a great recycler at school. We recycle at home of course, but we’re not tyrannical or fanatical about it. I decided it had more to do with her all-around awesomeness that deemed her worthy of this honor and not only her ability to sort trash.

Anyway, we were proud.

After enjoying an excellent brunch buffet they began handing out awards for recycling and waste reduction among 60 Madison County schools. On the surface, it’s a worthwhile event. We had fun, ate well, and Ainsley was able to skip half a school day without being sick or without a foot of snow on the ground. But, really, the best way to celebrate environmentalism is to NOT hold an event that includes harming the environment.

We did use real utensils and plates, but the organizers fell short on drink cups–everything was plastic, possibly recyclable, but still. Real mugs would have been much better. And of course, hundreds of cars had to drive and pollute to get to the event, but what are you gonna do?

Here’s an example of an award. The school that collected the most tab tops from soda and beer cans (measured in pounds) won an award. And it was some outrageous number that I don’t remember. By the way, here’s a crazy stat:

“Worldwide production for all beverage cans is approximately 475 billion cans per year worldwide.”

And it was kind of hinted at that schools need to work harder next year to collect even more tab tops. But that left me thinking about the underlying problem that went unmentioned all morning: We need people to reduce their soda, beer and other canned, bottled beverage consumption. It’s like they would be fine with people consuming more unhealthful beverages just to collect more aluminum for recycling. Same goes for plastic bags, six-pack rings, clothes, shoes–everything!

I wanted to grab the microphone and say something like:

Good job Madison County, but next year I want to see much lower numbers. I want kids to be crying because they’re having a hard time finding tabs. Everyone in this room, I want you to spread this message: REDUCE CONSUMPTION. Remember, it’s REDUCE, Reuse, Recycle. REDUCE is the most important of the three R’s.

Anyway, each award offered the opportunity to remind people to consume less, and each time: fail! The wasteful attitude in this country is so ingrained that it just goes without saying. People don’t even think to challenge it. We count the number of shoes collected for this program and celebrate without questioning how so many pair of shoes were collected. Why not mention that we all probably buy more shoes than we need.

 

 

How Many Pairs of Shoes do I Need? I Guess Seven!

1 May

Well, isn’t this sad: millions of people around the world have no shoes.

I stumbled upon this article this morning that says U.S. Americans have an average of 19 pairs of shoes. That’s 27 for women and 12 for men. If you click on that link and scroll down you will see that several people posted a photo of all their shoes, which, to me, is, like, the most fascinating thing in the world. And I don’t even have a foot fetish. 

For someone like me who’s always jabbering about the topic of “stuff,” you’d think I’d have less than seven pairs. This post will either justify all seven or show me that I can drop one or two. They’re in order from shoes I love down to shoes I want to strangle.

Saucony trail running shoes

Where I got them: This Spring at Goodwill for $8. Why I keep them: They fit perfect and they’re in like-new condition. They’re extremely versatile (cycling, running on all surfaces, walking the dogs) Why I might get rid of them: They’re not so versatile that I can wear them with jeans. Still, I’ll have these for a long time.

Vivo Barefoot “minimalist” running shoes

Where I got them: I bought them online a couple of years ago through The Clymb. Why I keep them: They’re the only shoes I’ve received compliments on since I rocked bright orange Converse high tops in Junior High. They’re comfortable, easy on/off, and multifunctional. They’re cool enough to wear with jeans. Why I might get rid of them: They beginning to show some wear. If my toes bust through I’ll have to retire them.

Crocs, Dark Blue

Where I got them: I bought them in 2012 at Goodwill for $8. Why I keep them: Comfortable. Light. Utilitarian. They’re my all-season house shoe, but I can also wear them for the quick bike trip to the library or around town. Why I might get rid of them: No chance.

Crocs, Stealthy, Brown

Where I got them: I bought them at Goodwill this Spring, again for $8. Why I keep them: I just bought them, so it’s too soon to jettison them; that would make me sad. They’re a stealthier version of my blue Crocs so I feel better about wearing them in public. Why I might get rid of them: If I find a good pair of shoes that I can wear with jeans, they could be cut from the team. The fabric on top make them less water resistant than regular Crocs.

Muck Boots

Where I got them: I bought them online over five years ago. Why I keep them: I want to spend more time outdoors; outdoors gets messy and moist. So these waterproof shoes will keep my other shoes clean. They also serve as my winter boots. Why I might get rid of them: I have used my old Crocs (below) for wet, dirty, warm weather activities. They’re not very comfortable. Still, I don’t want to buy snow boots, so I can’t see myself getting rid of them.

Crocs, Brown & Dirty

Where I got them: I think from Amazon several years ago. Why I keep them: Super comfortable! They were demoted to mowing shoes two years ago and they serve very well in that role, saving my other shoes from grass stains. Why I might get rid of them: They’re tread-less and stained, slick and potentially dangerous. I could mow in the mucks.

Dress Shoes

Where I got them: I bought them at–guess!–Goodwill for $8. Why I keep them: I can’t find a business that rents dress shoes. I don’t live close enough to anyone with size 9 or 9.5 feet with a well-stocked closet. They’re Kenneth Cole shoes, so they seem to be well-made and should last awhile. Finally, I’m not brave enough to be the freak wearing Crocs to weddings, funerals and dressy events. Why I might get rid of them: I only wear them once or twice a year. They’re uncomfortable. Jennifer’s father lives 70 miles away, but he’s in town often. We have similar feet. If he could take them off my hands, I could borrow them when I need them. Besides, I’ve never have been called on to wear dress shoes on short notice.

Notes from a Future Freegan Van Dweller?

27 Apr

I have an earth-quaking update on my belt situation.

You better sit.

Here it is: I have replaced my two belts with a single black belt I purchased at our local Goodwill. If you follow this blog closely, you’ll know that Jennifer bought my two belts at Goodwill. Well, not all thrifty purchases are created equal; both belts fell apart shortly after I laid my fingers on them. I thought for awhile that they were “trick” belts, some kind of practical joke, like an exploding golf ball.

Also in Goodwill, I found some awesome Saucony trail running shoes (glad I don’t have to worry about the pronunciation of “Saucony”) that make my New Balance shoes (also purchased at Goodwill) look like a couple of turds. I’ve spent $16 on two pairs of like-new shoes. The 2012 version of me would have kept both, but I’m going to sell the old pair on eBay. If Edwardsville had homeless people concentrated under an overpass I could bike on over to find a dude with size nine feet, but I guess all the homeless are over in St. Louis.

In other news, I’ve become enamored with freeganism, which I previously thought to be synonymous with dumpster diving. Sure, that’s a part of it, but it’s much more.

Freegans are people who employ alternative strategies for living based on limited participation in the conventional economy and minimal consumption of resources. Freegans embrace community, generosity, social concern, freedom, cooperation, and sharing in opposition to a society based on materialism, moral apathy, competition, conformity, and greed.

(I can’t figure how I’ve gone this long without Googling “freeganism.”)

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I’m not an official freegan yet; I have to think about it and see how far I can go with the “alternative strategies.” Namely, I have to get over my fear of being spotted rooting through garbage. Also, the ick factor; I sometimes gag messing with OUR garbage. How am I going to react to stumbling upon a bunch of rotten eggs or a hastily wrapped poopy diaper? Oh, I know what will happen: I’ll pass out and hit my head on a concrete block, or, worse, I’ll land with my face on the poopy diaper or something equally disgusting.

Yesterday I got nervous simply riding my bike in the vicinity of dumpsters. I kind of slowed down and looked over there wondering if I could actually do it and I felt like I was breaking the law. Good thing I’m not a serial killer. I just know I’d fall over dead of anxiety just preparing for my first kill.

(On a side note, I want to document for my future self how I just did this funky hand dance trying to trigger Panera’s motion-activated paper towel dispenser. My enthusiastic gyrations failed to stir the machine. I’d love to see video of people doing the same this morning, but, sadly, I think it’s against the law to set up video cameras in public restrooms.)

I stumbled upon the term freeganism while reading about van dwelling, which is a whole strange world with a vibrant online community. I know, It’s bizarre, but I feel in my bones that I’ll eventually be living this kind of simple life once the kids are off to college or joining the circus or whatever. I would like to have one of these Volkswagen vans to customize. No mortgage. No car payment. No utility bills. No lawn to mow. No big home to maintain. It’s dropping out of “The American Dream” and living life on my own terms.

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Girl living in a van

If you’re wondering where Jennifer fits into the van, that’s a good question–I guess under the false floor I’ll  build in it for storage.

As you’d expect, this is a contentious issue in our house. Examples: If something turns up missing I’m instantly accused of donating it. I say downsize and simplify; she says shut up. I say let’s rent out a room; she says you’re f***ing crazy. She talks about the yard and how awesome it’s going to look; I yawn and say cool. She shows me the new wreath for the front door; I force a smile and tell her it’s the best f***ing wreath I’ve seen in my whole life.  

When the girls are in school and Jennifer’s at work, I stand in the center of that big house and feel lost and desperate. Why? It’s such a waste of space. It’s a bitch to clean. The yard is huge and needs constant attention. Warm air leaks out in the winter. I see hundreds of toys that go untouched. Upstairs, to get from the top of the steps to the bedrooms you have to cross an expanse of space I could easily live in. Tiny house designers are creating homes smaller than this unappreciated part of our house. 

It’s not like I’m just intentionally trying to be obstinate or weird. I really do sit around thinking about how most of the world lives: in filthy poverty. Almost half the world — over three billion people — live on less than $2.50 a day. I am a filthy rich bastard compared to the population of Earth. That’s baffling to me.  See “first world problems” on twitter.

It’s not our fault. We’re force-fed what it is we need to be happy. Here’s a few things I thought up in, like, a minute:

  • Multiple televisions pulling in 250 channels
  • Multiple gas-powered vehicles
  • Electronic gadgets of all shapes and sizes (iPhones, iPods, iPads)
  • A closet full of clothes and shoes
  • Extra rooms, completely furnished, rarely used
  • Throw or “show” pillows
  • Souvenirs and sports memorabilia
  • Decorative glassware
  • Fancy plates and stuff for “special” occasions
  • Boxes and boxes of decorations for all four season and major holidays
  • Maybe a boat, a motorcycle, an ATV, or a camper (to “get away from it all”)
  • Gear (hunting, camping, hiking, etc.)
  • Random “collections”
  • Lawn tending machines and tools

If you’re not getting me here, you’re probably reading through that list and thinking “Yeah, and?”

Well, I guess it’s my job on this planet to be the freak say no to some of the most standard American values.

Aside

Marital Conflict #34,342: Over the Hedge

15 Apr

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Occasionally I like to present marital conflicts in this space for educational purposes. If you’re a human you know what I’m talking about. Married people can’t agree on much of anything. If I tried to write about every marital conflict that pops up in our home my fingers would be bloody stubs by now. So I pick and choose.

This conflict is about what we decide to bring into our house and store for (possibly) decades. As you may know this is a serious topic to me.

This morning I went into the garage to find an umbrella and noticed the unboxed hedge trimmer on the floor. Jennifer bought this hedge trimmer two weeks ago. Her dad owns a hedge trimmer. Her dad lives an hour away and visits regularly. We need a hedge trimmer one time a year, in the Spring. We used his hedge trimmer last Spring.

You can probably guess what’s going on here. I would like to return the hedge trimmer, borrow her dad’s hedge trimmer, and knock out all the hedge trimming on a Saturday afternoon.

Why I want to return the hedge trimmer:

  • I’m a fan of collaborative consumption. Start a tool library in your neighborhood.
  • I don’t want to find a place to store the hedge trimmer
  • I don’t want to look after and maintain the hedge trimmer for forty years.
  • I don’t want my daughters, after their parents’ deaths, to be responsible for disposing of an old hedge trimmer.

My wife is not around at the moment to list the benefits of hedge trimmer ownership, but her reasoning at the time of purchase was that she needed to trim the hedges and cut back the fountain grass RIGHT NOW. That was two weekends ago. Her dad has been to our house twice.

Please, if you know my wife–and I know some of you do–reach out to her, see if you can douse her hedge trimmer ownership ambitions. Maybe say something offhand and subtle like “I think you should return that hedge trimmer to Home Depot and go eat at Sugo’s with the refund.”

If you think we really do need a hedge trimmer, I would love to take a peek into your cluttered garage.

There’s a Storm Brewing Behind us

11 Apr

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Let me start by stating that I have never, ever ran over a person with a car. Furthermore, I have never accidentally, unknowingly dragged a live being for a full mile, again, with a car. I’m sure it could happen, especially since I’ve hit the half-way point of my life where the odds of shit like this happening will now rise with each passing year as I slowly lose my faculties. (But, seriously, I hope to GOD this never happens because, well, I’m just too fragile to recover from killing someone.)

This morning, though, I kinda got the idea of how it would go down.

Yesterday’s storms knocked over one of the stuffed lawn waste bags that were stacked out by the road next to our driveway. It’s the size of a chubby eight-year-old. As I carefully backed out of the drive with Chloe and slid the car into drive, I noticed our across-the-street neighbor’s slightly bemused expresssion as I gave a hearty wave. I checked the mirror to make sure I wasn’t wearing a rainbow clown wig and then motored on without another thought.

A half mile and half way to Lincoln Middle School I noticed a storm of leaves trailing us. I looked ahead expecting to see more leaves blowing across the road in the fierce wind, but no fierce wind existed.

I looked in the rear-view mirror again. With the dark clouds still in the area, it seriously looked like a fresh thunderstorm was whipping up right behind us. In front of us: nothing.

“Are we dragging a freaking lawn bag?” I asked, more to myself than to Chloe.

Then I heard what I think it would sound like to be dragging a human body with a car.

“Yep, we are. We’re dragging a lawn bag all the way to your school.”

When we made our final left turn mere yards from the school, the bag, apparently all out of strength, let go and parked itself right in the center of our lane. A clutch of dead, moist weeds–not wanting this wild, unexpected ride to end–fluttered about and behaved as if they wanted to finish the trip with us.

Then, convulsing with laughter, we almost cheerfully blew by her school.

Then when I got home, to my horror, I discovered an 8th grade science teacher clinging to my bumper. Heh. Just kidding on that part, but the rest is “for real.”

A Random Act of Kindness for People Who Hate Change

27 Feb

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I hurt myself while performing a good deed this morning. Oh, stop crying–I’m okay. I didn’t mean “seriously” hurt. It’s just your average bump-your-leg kind of deal. Jeez.

Here’s some background:

An elderly couple in our neighborhood receives two daily ANALOG, finger-staining newspapers. Each morning I walk the dogs by their house and notice the papers in the most random spots. I’ll see the newspaper in the blue plastic way over there and the newspaper in pink plastic way over there. (I’m pointing to the opposite end of the yard.) The next day they could be switched. It leaves me wondering if monkeys are delivering the news in my neighborhood.

It would be nice if the two newspapers were always nestled together to be scooped up in one creaky elderly motion. The yard slopes severely towards the road, and the four legs in that house must be shot all to hell at this point. One day I’m afraid I’ll find one of them lying face first on the sidewalk in a puddle of blood.

But once in awhile–today, for example–the paper is within my reach. As the dogs urinated on a pile of dirty snow, I leaned over their little retaining wall and reeeeached–almost got it!–and cracked my goddam shin. With clenched teeth I straightened and flung the paper 15 feet towards the house. The paper somersaulted four times and landed with a thunk right up against the other paper. I really wanted to do some fist pumps and pretend I hit the game winner against the Heat, but my leg hurt.

As I finished my walk (with a slight limp), I couldn’t help thinking that if they were my parents I would buy them tablets and digital subscriptions. Then I would train them how to use them. I would say something like this:

Okay guys, I know you’re old and you hate change but this is 2013–you’re the last ones left receiving “paper” news, so I got you tablet computers. When you wake up the news is waiting for you. You just turn it on! No more going outside to hunt for your newspapers. And look–see there!–you can make the words as big as you need ‘em for your failing eyes.

Then they would thank me and hug me for an hour and I would leave and they would never cancel their home delivery and they would use their iPad minis as coasters.

And then their thoughtful, clumsy neighbor would continue to kill himself trying to be kind.

Why I Don’t Play Video Games

23 Feb

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Jennifer’s been playing this game in bed on her tablet. She slides her finger around, mumbles, and becomes agitated and more vocal as a timer nears zero. One night I asked what she was playing.

Dropwords.

I’ve had my tablet for two months and I’ve yet to download any games. We’ve had a Playstation 3 for years and I don’t think I’ve played video games on it for more than a couple of hours . . . total.

I think I’m scared of becoming addicted. I played the hell out of Atari as a child. I played the hell out of Nintendo as a teenager. I played the hell out of a baseball simulator in my twenties. I don’t have time to become addicted to a video game in my forties. 

Last night in bed as I sipped on hot Sleepytime Herbal tea and read a New York Times op-ed, she urged me to try a game of Dropwords as we waited for the girls to finish a movie downstairs, so we could watch one of our own. It looked kind of fun and I noticed a bunch of good words she was overlooking, so I downloaded it onto my own tablet to quickly blow up her high score. I wedged my mug of tea between my legs.

I leaned over to see her high score was 1950.

I scored 175 on my first try.

“What the hell!”

I played again and again and again, scoring 350, 205, 250.

“Goddamit!”

The girls came upstairs, brushed their teeth, went to bed. I played again (275). And again (300). I adjusted the pillows, leaned back, and got more comfortable. The cat climbed onto my crotch and curled into a ball as she so often does. I barely noticed.

I scored under 300 again . . . and again.

“How are you getting such high scores!” I roared.

]Then I learned the value of using the darkened tiles that score more points and awards extra time. My scores began to improve. She stopped playing and mentioned the movie. 

“One more!”

“Are you ready to go downstairs?”

“One more!”

“Movie?”

“One more!”

In the middle of my best game, I noticed wetness under my butt.

“Why I am feeling a wet spot; did I just pee my pants?” I asked.

Yes, for a second I thought I had become so engrossed in Dropwords that I had unknowingly urinated in my pants.

But I kept going because–like I said–I was in the middle of a game. “Did Kitty pee on me . . . what’s going on down there?”

Jennifer sat up to investigate and–ha, ha, ha, it’s so funny!–started laughing as she picked up the now-empty mug that I had forgotten about. My game ended. I had scored over a thousand points, which is the important thing, but by then the girls had been called into the room to laugh at me and my giant wet spot, the mark that anyone would recognize as someone who had just peed in their pants. (A circular wet pattern emanating from the “crotchal” area, visible from the front and back.)

And that’s why I don’t play video games. 

Not me, I swear.

Not me, I swear.

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