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House Hunters is Fake: One More Reason to Walk Away from the Couch

9 Jul

Why It Matters That House Hunters Is Fake

And read this Washington Post article too.

What? House Hunters is fake? If you’re a fan of the show, I’ll bet you’re a little miffed. I knew it was a part of the big shit hole they call “reality TV” (read: not so much reality), but now we know just how pathetic it can be.

Here’s a quick overview of their deceit. They pretty much make up everything. Oh, you’ve already purchased a house? Let’s “craft a narrative.” Let’s pretend you haven’t bought a house and let’s also pretend that you’re desperately looking for more square footage. And then we want you to “tour” your friends’ houses (which aren’t even for sale) and act like you’re torn between them. And, um, sir, could you act a little bit more excited about the size of this bathroom?

The real sad part is the people who waste hours and hours of their lives sitting on the couch watching this crap. The sisterhood of women can shout out “But what about men and their sports?” and I agree. But it’s somehow more sinister when you find out you’ve spent five hundred hours of your life on a show that’s morally crooked. Wouldn’t it be like finding out that professional football is rigged?

In this fleeting life, the outcome of a football game is just as meaningless as some strange family’s decision to live here or there. Maybe I’ve watched an episode of House Hunters … no, actually I haven’t, but I have walked into the room, looked at the TV and caught a few seconds–a minute here and there–in the process of asking my wife a question (or whatever) and if you add up all those seconds, it amounts to a full episode. And I don’t see the appeal.

But the show appears to be popular and it wouldn’t surprise me if people shrug off this bit of news. People want escapist entertainment, to forget about this “hard” life and focus in on the “lives” of strangers, even if those lives are created by producers with one goal in mind: to make as much money as possible.

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Hermey Doesn’t Like to Make Toys

29 Jun

The innocent decision to write a novel has seriously screwed up my week. I can’t write. Creating a 500 word blog post has been like trying to catch a buttered kitten. (Which, by the way, happens to be one of my favorite things in the world to do on a lazy Sunday afternoon.) I actually wrote something the other day about writing a novel that was to be published here, but it sucked too bad. Then the next day some other words sucked. Yesterday … it sucked.

Writing a novel is hard work. I almost had a complete breakdown in the first hour of the planning stage. Then I tried to write a scene. What a mess that was. So I just slid under my desk and sucked my thumb for six hours … like I did in college. No, not really, but it kinda sounds nice. In college, I just pushed through it. I had professors and bad grades to deal with if I didn’t.

Before this silly novel idea, I shut down the virtual t-shirt shop to free up two hours from each day. Now, with more time to create and less to show for it, the pressure to DO is maddening. One can’t create staring at the clock with abusive thoughts (like “Do something idiot!”) flitting about. That’s when I say “Nap time!” But I wake up dejected all the same. At least, that’s what happened yesterday. So I’m forced to chop vegetables or vacuum something filthy to feel better. Anything mindless works, really.

Then if one day turns to two days turns to three days, I begin to think about other, better ways to spend my time, like grad school or sitting in a nice cave somewhere. That little monster on my shoulder yells “Stop writing … FOREVER! You’re wasting your time, jackass.” When it gets that bad the new blog posts dry up and I disappear. I disappear into conformity–working, but not living. Not growing. Shrinking. Suffering.

I have never felt like a conformist. (That’s putting a positive spin on it. Really, I’ve always felt like an outcast, partially from self-esteem issues.) I’ve always connected with Hermey from Rudolph. YOU’LL NEVER FIT IN! But, after 40 goddamn years, I’m beginning to see that as a positive. I look around and see no good reason to fit in. Fitting in is conforming is deadening is boring is television is commuting is shopping is fattening is believing is a perfect waste of time.

Anyhoo, today’s been better. Much better. What I’ve earned: Don’t believe your bad thoughts and shitty moods. It’s all a scam. Sure, it feels real at the time, but …

Say it with me: Tomorrow’s a brand new day.

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I’m a Superhero! Just Take Away “super” and “hero” and the tights

10 Jun

The whole family watched Marvel’s The Avengers a few Saturdays ago. I swear I didn’t wear an Iron Man costume. But I did see a kid with the mask and boots.

I’ve never been a big fan of this movie breed, but I have seen 16 out of the 92 movies listed under Wikipedia’s List of American superhero films. Counting that high put me in a foul mood and I think I messed up in the middle, so there could be more or less. Anyway, 16 of 92 is something like 17 percent; I wonder where that fits in with the average 40-year-old male.

Notice the gaps. It’s no surprise that the craptacular Superman III and Batman Forever led to extended superhero hiatuses, but I enjoyed The Dark Knight and still avoided superhero movies for four years.

To come up with this list, I first tried to rely on my mushy brain … what a stupid idea THAT was. I was like “Duh, that’s what the internet’s for, to recall information WITHOUT using any brainpower.” So, here’s the list with help from my favorite website.

American superhero movies I HAVE seen:

  • Superman (1978)
  • Superman II (1980)
  • Swamp Thing (1982)
  • Toxic Avenger (1984)
  • Superman III (1983)
  • Batman (1989)
  • Batman Returns (1992)
  • The Mask (1994)
  • Batman Forever (1995)
  • Spider-Man (2002)
  • Hulk (2003)
  • Spider-Man 2 (2004)
  • Batman Begins (2005)
  • Spider-Man 3 (2007)
  • The Dark Knight (2008)
  • The Avengers (2012)

I particularly enjoyed Spider-Man and The Dark Knight. Later this year, I’m sure I’ll catch the “rebooted” Spider-Man movie (The Amazing Spider-Man) and the finale to to Christian bale’s turn as Batman (The Dark Knight Rises).

If I could be a superhero it wouldn’t involve tights and a codpiece. And no uncomfortable mask. And I wouldn’t fight all that much crime. My special skill would be telekinesis. Right now, in Starbucks, I’d move that guy’s coffee over six inches. Then I’d watch his reaction and try not to laugh, act like I didn’t see it. I’d be a subtle and lazy superhero. You might say I’m no superhero at all, but once in awhile I would do something amazing to save a life. Two times a year maybe to keep “hero” in my title.

I’d have to be tough too, like, if I were punched or shot or stabbed it wouldn’t hurt. No blood. That’d be cool. Yeah, your knife would just bend and I’d laugh at you and then use my mind to throw you about 200 feet in the air.

I’m not sure about flying. I’d have to find effective wind goggles. Where would I go for that? Maybe a place selling motorcycles. And of course my hair would always be mussed. And there goes the subtlety. (Oh look, there’s a dorky flying man; God, look at his hair.) Hmm. Not good.

If I had to pitch my idea to a movie studio it’s go something like this:

Call him “Subtle Man!” He’s polite, quiet, and slightly awkward, but he’s powerful, chiseled from rock. He can fly in a pinch, but worries about his hair. He can move mountains, but mostly just sits around messing with people by moving their shit around.

I’d pay $10 to see that.

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Don’t F With My Q

4 Jun

I love when the dogs go all apeshit at the mail delivery person when I’m asleep ten feet from the front door. I jump up thinking it’s the end of the world. Freaking Armageddon. And I’m not talking about that crappy Affleck/Willis movie. Then I think “End of the world? Silly me, that’s not happening until four days before Christmas.” (Looks like I won’t be Christmas shopping this year.)

Anyway, the dogs literally try to eat through glass to get to the guy (I’m annoyed right now because I don’t know what to call the postal employee. Can I say “mailman” or is that sexist? But it’s actually a MAN! Shit this parenthetical is too long.) putting trash into the black box tacked to the outside wall. Seriously, I thought the USPS was closing up this month or something.

If not for the embarrassingly annoying dogs, I’d invite the mail carrier in, lead him to our recycling bin, point at it and say “Here is where I put everything you bring. Every day.” But that would be mean. And I’m totally not mean.

Seriously though, I do everything online. I pay bills online. I get cool coupons online. Okay, I forgot we still get Netflix movies through the mail, but I can easily give that up and go all-streaming, all the time. That would put an end to queue hijacking. That’s what I call it when my daughter promotes movies like Mulan 7 to the top of the queue.

It goes something like this.

Bark. Bark. Bark. Bark. Ten minutes of just . . . barking.

Me: “YES! The mail guy finally brought something useful.”

I wait until he’s out of sight and then I open the door.

Now I’m excited. I rip into the red and white envelope expecting Fight Club or The Godfather: Part II only to find some horribly obscure made-for-video cartoon that’s playing THIS VERY SECOND on The LAME Channel.

For the love of GOD, don’t F with my Q!!

Editor’s Note: This post was created in 20 minutes and was not thoroughly proofed for errors.

 

 

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She’s All That and a Bag of Popcorn

9 May

I fancy myself something of a film snob. I like foreign films exploring the meaning of life, bizzare independent films, and political documentaries. I use past awards and respected film critics as a guide to what to watch in the future. I haven’t seen last year’s esoteric The Tree of Life, but it’s next in line in our Netflix queue. Generally, I avoid movies heavy on action and special effects, and light on character, plot, and meaning.

So I can’t for the friggin’ life of me figure out why I keep experiencing this weird urge to rent and re-watch She’s All That, the 1999 romantic comedy starring Freddy Prinze Jr. and Rachael leigh Cook.

Click on it. I know you wanna.

The movie’s signature song, Kiss Me, above, has me by the balls. Tight. I listened to it three times while writing this. I could be walking through a department store or restaurant–or wherever!–and if that song comes on, I stop, tilt my head up and to the right just a little, and stare up into the grand nothingness, swept away to 1999, when the unattractive, unpopular, socially awkward artist, Laney Boggs, falls for Zack, the school jock, and he for her.

If you were walking along with me, you might grab my arm and try to shake me from my trance. “Mike, Mike. Hey! Wake up, what the hell’s wrong with you? You’re drooling like a rabid squirrel.”

Somewhere along the way (it has been a few years since I watched the magic), she gets a makeover that uncovers this stunning beauty. Wow, that scene: Laney walks slowly down the stairs in that red dress and Zack is looking up at her thinking “Whoa, I’m definitely gonna hit that tonight.” I always cry right there.

Rotten Tomatoes, one of the sites I use to determine the worth of a movie, gives She’s All That a 39% approval rating. Horrible. It has a 5.5 on IMDB. Pa-freakin-thetic. If it was coming out this week and Jennifer said “Hey, let’s go see that new She’s All There movie,” first, I would laugh and set her straight on the title. (Her constant flubbing of movie and song titles is a never-ending source of amusement.) Then after five minutes of research, I’d say “There’s no way I’m spending $30 to see that piece of garbage movie. Let’s stay home and watch Wild Strawberries on Netflix.

Then in 2015, I’d walk in on the girls watching it on TBS or some lame channel that plays commercials during movies. I’d sit on the couch and be sucked into the cool, rich essence of the most under-appreciated film ever released. I’d say “Damn Jennifer, why didn’t we go see this on the big screen back when it came out?”

If anyone out there owns a copy of this movie, let’s have a discussion about FedEx SameDay. I want to be watching it tonight. Get in touch asap.

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