What? I have to wear pants here?

Happy Portlander (That's OR, not ME)

What’s the deal with people wearing pants in Illinois? In May we moved from Maryville, where pants are required, to Edwardsville, where I thought pants are totally optional. As it turns out, I may have donated all of my shorts to Goodwill for nothing (why is it that I have been donating things–boxes and boxes and boxes of “things”–to one particular Goodwill for seven years and I have never seen any of it for sale on the shelves? Are my shoes too stinky for your store? My clothes too out of date? Humph.) Obviously, I kept my ankle-length pants to battle the cold winter, but, moving just before the arrival of June, I thought I had five long months of freedom from the harsh restrictiveness of shorts.

I didn’t want to stay in Illinois. I wanted to move to Portland, OR or Austin, TX where I heard people rarely wear pants. My wife, however, prefers that I wear pants, so she looked for houses in pants worshiping communities like those found here near St. Louis.

Yeah, I get it. There are some disadvantages to not wearing pants.

• Full-spectrum sunscreen is expensive and I use 37% more with no pants.
• Getting caught in a hailstorm with no pants is not fun.
• Running really fast with no pants is out of the question.
• People look at me like I’m not wearing pants.
• Emphasizing my sexy knees is almost impossible when I’m not wearing pants.
• No pockets (I have solved this with a belt and sandwich bags)

You’ll notice that the list of advantages is longer.

• In the summer, the temperature in my pants reaches temperatures up to 140º Fahrenheit. Uncomfortable.
• People tend to move out of your way…like if someone is lingering in front of the whole wheat pasta and I need some rotini.
• I get to meet new people; I’m familiar with all the local security guards and law enforcement officials.
• Obviously, getting dressed in the morning is a snap. No pants decisions or matching conundrums.
• No chafing.
• When caught in the rain you’ll never hear me say “Crap, my shorts are getting soaked.”
• I don’t have to share a table at the library.
• I still get to ignore the “no shoes, no shirt, no service” signs at restaurants.

Until I get Edwardsville to transition to the pants-free lifestyle, I’m looking into temporarily transitioning into a loincloth. For those unfamiliar, Wikipedia will tell you that a loincloth is a one-piece male garment, sometimes kept in place by a belt, which covers the genitals and, at least partially, the buttocks.

And yes, I’m insulted that my own wife prefers that I wear pants.

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