What’s the deal with people wearing pants in Illinois? In May we moved from Maryville, where pants are required, to Edwardsville, where I thought pants are totally optional. As it turns out, I may have donated all of my shorts to Goodwill for nothing (why is it that I have been donating things–boxes and boxes and boxes of “things”–to one particular Goodwill for seven years and I have never seen any of it for sale on the shelves? Are my shoes too stinky for your store? My clothes too out of date? Humph.) Obviously, I kept my ankle-length pants to battle the cold winter, but, moving just before the arrival of June, I thought I had five long months of freedom from the harsh restrictiveness of shorts.
I didn’t want to stay in Illinois. I wanted to move to Portland, OR or Austin, TX where I heard people rarely wear pants. My wife, however, prefers that I wear pants, so she looked for houses in pants worshiping communities like those found here near St. Louis.
Yeah, I get it. There are some disadvantages to not wearing pants.
- Full-spectrum sunscreen is expensive and I use 37% more with no pants.
- Getting caught in a hailstorm with no pants is not fun.
- Running really fast with no pants is out of the question.
- People look at me like I’m not wearing pants.
- Emphasizing my sexy knees is almost impossible when I’m not wearing pants.
- No pockets (I have solved this with a belt and sandwich bags)
You’ll notice that the list of advantages is longer.
- In the summer, the temperature in my pants reaches temperatures up to 140º Fahrenheit. Uncomfortable.
- People tend to move out of your way…like if someone is lingering in front of the whole wheat pasta and I need some rotini.
- I get to meet new people; I’m familiar with all the local security guards and law enforcement officials.
- Obviously, getting dressed in the morning is a snap. No pants decisions or matching conundrums.
- No chafing.
- When caught in the rain you’ll never hear me say “Crap, my shorts are getting soaked.”
- I don’t have to share a table at the library.
- I still get to ignore the “no shoes, no shirt, no service” signs at restaurants.
Until I get Edwardsville to transition to the pants-free lifestyle, I’m looking into temporarily transitioning into a loincloth. For those unfamiliar, Wikipedia will tell you that a loincloth is a one-piece male garment, sometimes kept in place by a belt, which covers the genitals and, at least partially, the buttocks.
And yes, I’m insulted that my own wife prefers that I wear pants.